Pieces

“can you fix it?” she asked, gingerly holding the glass shards in her hands.

He looked at her hands, cut up and bloody, yet hesitantly holding up the pieces for him to see. He looked at her face and searched for answers. How could someone like her be so scarred? How had they failed to notice her dying a little more each day?

“I know it’s a mess.” She said softly.

As he peered at the pieces in her hands, his own heart ached at the sight of a once wild, beating heart, that now lay faded and lifeless. “It’s taken a lot of damage.” He muttered to himself.

The girl heard him, and she shrank back, closing up her hands over the pieces once again. She winced as they spliced her wrists, yet she didn’t loosen her grip.

He watched in horror and awe as the blood dripped down her wrists. In spite of the pain it kept causing her, she kept trying to hold on.

The girl found herself shrinking under his gaze. Don’t look too closely. She pleaded silently. She has tired, so tired of this road she had traveled. She had searched far and grown weary, and the longer she looked, the more hopeless it seemed. Every time she offered up a piece, it came back in more pieces than before. The stains were too great; the edges too jagged.

“I need to see it if you want it fixed.” He tried to tell her.

Still the girl held tight. What would happen if she let go? What if he only made it worse? Yet she scoffed at herself, because what could be worse than what she already had? She tried to slowly uncurl her stiff fingers. The blood had started to dry. One by one, she pried her own fingers away and with every finger released the greater her dread grew. She paused—only halfway done.

The man stretched out a hand to take the pieces from her, but her fingers immediately clutched them again tight. The shards embedded themselves into her palms and tears sprang into her eyes. “I can’t.” She whispered. “I’m not ready.” 

According to God

Beautiful Eulogy is one of my top favorite bands, hands down. These lyrics have been on my mind a lot lately. So much good truth to absorb. I wrote them all down by hand in a little notebook I have because that helps me actually remember better.

I'm a believer
Sometimes I believe the lies of the deceiver
The lies of seeds when they sprout
They lead to seasons of spiritual amnesia
Deep seeded self doubt
That creeps in my conscious feeds my fear
And keeps me up at night conquered by
Critical thoughts my mind is prone to conjure
When it wanders, watching my failures, play back play back on repeat
I'm trying to change the chain of events but
Can't rewind to find the delete, button to push
I'm on the edge its like the world is about to end
I'm in the middle of Armagaddon with
No arms, no weapons, no armor for protection
It's the testing of my faith and
I know the answers but instead I'm just guessing
Like I forgot that God was my father and
I was set apart for his on possession
His word is my armor and my protection
Against the enemy's deception
But I still question
How can i receive
Such an incredible blessing when I feel like I'm less than
Because I went through a divorce am I
A second rate Christian I know that's a lie
So I won't listen through Christ I'm forgiven
Im being formed into his image
According to God I was called from darkness into his marvelous light
He is near to the broken-hearted faithful to finish what he started


Who do you think you are?
Who do you think you are?
Who do you think you are?
Who do you think you are?

[Verse 2: Odd Thomas]

As a child I struggled to
Identify most of my misplaced anger and rage
Dealing with a whole emotion of consequences
Based on the way I was raised
The feeling for affection and affirmation
Adjusted performance to get attention and
Gain some sort of acceptance but found
I was always rejected and pushed away
Deep scars feeling of not belonging
Caused hall emotional walls and any
Attempt to recover from a lost of
Confidence was incredibly small
The residual effects of abandonment
Had me observing my character flaws
And viewing them all as insufficiently
Capable of relating or growing with God
I believed these lies to be true for me
My experience was the proof for me
Up to the point where I can sense Christ
Relentless love and complete pursuit of me
And spoke to me offering me hope and life
Through his word showing me his beauty
Changing my perception and giving me
Perspective of the way God truly viewed me
A man who was prized and pardoned
And chosen before the world's foundation
His whole possession, his royal priesthood
I'm part of his holy nation
I'm his friend, I'm valued completely cared for
Enough for Christ to purchase
According to God I'm an adopted child
With intimate access created with purpose

Diary of a College Kid (pt.1)

I'm dying inside, and no one is noticing.

Sometimes it's so overwhelming I can feel the pain rising, it courses through my veins and I cannot speak. I clench my jaw and I flex my fingers, trying to erase the ache inside. It's as if there's a dark hole in me, and it threatens to swallow everything. I tell myself that I'm fine on my own. What does it matter if people come or go? I don't need them around anyway, right? But it's a lie. People are always leaving. I just wish someone would stay. For someone to be able to see past these lies I've become. If you smile bright, they'll believe anything you say. If you laugh and joke, they'll never see the pain. They'll never see the emptiness that's threatening to crush your very soul. Yet at the same time, there's a battle in my mind. A conflict in my heart. Wanting someone to see, yet not wanting anyone to know about the darkness that resides. What would they think? How could they care? The disappointment in their eyes is not something I'm willing to see. Both sides of the battle wage inside of me. Like tectonic plates breaking in the sea. A rift so deep, so vast, so dark, that no one would be able to survive. So I cling tightly to this broken heart, and their jagged pieces cut only me. Pain inflicting more pain. Sleepless nights and consistently red rimmed eyes. I've managed to become the master of cover up this time. One well contrived lie, and a bottle of concealer—there's no way they'll ever really see.

Little Boxes

"Well?" They ask, looking expectantly for an answer. My anxiety starts to rise as I tremble on the inside. Fear fills my soul because I know that I don't have the answer they're looking for. Do they realize the stress they are inducing, or is it merely an automated response? It's as if society has instilled in us this sense that we ought to have it all together. Go to school, go to college, get a job in your field, work for the rest of your life. Why does it have to be that way? What happened to living?  There are too many boxes in this world. Too many cubicles, check lists, files to fill, and houses that all look alike. When I was younger I used to think that adults have everything figured out. That somehow, when you reached that magical age, you would simply know things. News flash: it doesn't work like that. I don't always have an answer. I don't always know what I'm doing, but I'm learning. I'm learning that I'm not a nice, neat little box. I'm more like a Pollock painting, and that's just how life is. Life is messy, even though we desperately want it to be organized. There's beauty in the chaos, there's beauty in living. 

I'm well aware that life doesn't go as planned. Because of a mix up in my advising, I won't be graduating till next May. I worry too much about the future, and my anxious little heart beats a million times per second (or so it feels). However, my mom gave me some expert advise the other night: just live today. Live today, right here, right now, and don't stress so much about things far in the future that you cannot control. Focus on the splatters and brush strokes that make up the life you are living right now. I still don't have things figured out and I probably never will. The best thing to do is to keep moving forward. For instance, my plan is to move out when I graduate and head west. I long for the mountains and the vast ocean. I figure one can either go where the job is, or go where they want to live and find the job once they get there. I've been landlocked my whole life, and it feels similar to living in a box. Maybe I don't end up with a job in design, but I'd be content working in some small surf shop on the coast-making enough just to get by. It'd be an adventure, my adventure, and I just want to enjoy it as long as I'm alive.  

Revive Us Again

     Holiday weekend is over and life starts up where it left off. There really is homework galore these days, but I just need to settle in and get with it. It was an incredible weekend that involved running around in the woods, stargazing on the lake, hiking muddy trails and exploring small, dark caves, early mornings coffee with a balcony view, and encouraging and convicting messages. 
     I know for a fact, that I've been a very apathetic Christian this year. I knew that, even as I continued on my way, telling myself that I could get by. When in reality, I knew I was falling further and further away. All along I knew what I needed to do, but I kept procrastinating (something I'm really very good at). This weekend I was really challenged about how I'm living. If we, as Christians, aren't enthusiastic about our faith, then how can we expect the lost to be enthusiastic? Revival is something this nation desperately needs. It's something the world desperately needs. 
     Before revival can sweep a nation, it has to start in individual's hearts. Revival has to start with me. Revival is the renewing of God's people. Over the weekend, one verse kept coming to my mind:

     "if My people who are called by My name will humble themselves, and pray and week My face, and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven, and will forgive their sin and heal their land."  -2 Chronicles 7:14

I can dress up the outside, pretend like I'm doing fine, but if my heart isn't changed--it won't work. The Lord really drove that home to me. We had a prayer meeting Saturday night and, and as I sat there I begged the Lord to break my cold, cold heart. Then a brother mentioned this verse, and I couldn't stop the tears from streaming down my face. I asked the Lord to forgive me, to change me, and to revive me in His ways. You see, Jesus Christ is everything we're looking for and yet He is what we're running from at the same time. 
     Surrender scares us. We aren't sure if we really want to give Him 100% of our life, yet it is so worth it. There truly is NOTHING greater than serving the Savior. Once you have tasted the goodness of the Lord, you begin to disdain the very things you once pursued. Once we fall in love with Christ, the world begins to lose its charm. People often think that they have to clean themselves up, and fix themselves before they come to Christ. It's just the opposite! Come to Christ and HE will change you. He works from the inside out.


This song came on my ipod on the trek home, and I thought it was so appropriate.

pre-semester fears

     It's been awhile since I've written a regular post. Nowadays they're mostly about music, but that's not a terrible thing I guess. Another semester is right around the corner. I'm looking forward to class, yes, but I'm also actually terrified. The first day especially freaks me out. It involves leaving my comfort zone, and meeting a whole roomful of new people. Who do you even sit by on the first day? One would think that being in my senior year of college, I would have grown accustomed to this dizzying obstacle. Sadly, that is not the case. In my mind I'm already prepping myself, telling myself not to worry, and that it'll be fine. I'm also praying that the Lord would give me strength, and that I would be able to be a witness this semester also.
     It's easy for me to get caught up in worrying about myself, and what other people think of me. Lately I've actually been so self-conscious that I avoid certain people. (Any by certain I mean attractive, because why would an attractive person want to talk to me?) But putting that aside, I know that those thoughts are selfish and self-absorbed. Instead I want to be quick to consider how others might be feeling, what they might be worrying about, and try to put myself in their shoes. We all have a story to tell.
     Those are just a few pre-semester jitters. I'm sure they'll be over soon, and I'm sure there will be all kinds of crazy things that go on as well. I wish you all the best!

Always summer

Only one more week of summer left. Ah, man. One more week of crazy summer nights, catching fireflies at midnight, swimming through creeks at 2am, chasing sunsets, blaring music, eating ice cream, slurping slushies, skateboarding in the parking lot, and all those other crazy things. Did I mention french fries and shakes late at night? It's been a different summer for me. Honestly, I just stayed here and worked all the time! There was plenty of fun in between the work hours, and some weekend trips. No crazy destinations, though. I'm really looking forward to fall, as always. Also, it's my senior year of college. Wild. To kick off the fall semester, Yellowcard released some exciting news and a new song off their album! Super psyched for this new stuff.

( Here's the link for their new song: http://www.underthegunreview.net/2014/08/18/yellowcard-premiere-new-track-one-bedroom-push-back-lift-a-sail-release-date/ )

Aaand since summer is coming to a close, here's a few songs that I always jam out to at the beginning of fall semester.

Classic.



The title says all.



Yessss.