me vs. myself

There's a monster in me whose name is flesh.
He hates to give, and just wants to get
The battle is real, the struggle is deadly.
It's me verses myself, and the outcome is crucial.
This battle is mine alone, none can fight it for me.
It's me verses myself, and I'm starting to feel weary.
Onward, forward, I tell myself to go.
Fighting, clawing, hoping to gain the upper hand.
Sinking, drowning, the waves filling my lungs.
Struggling, weeping, barely breathing.
How much longer can this go on?
Hurting, aching, wanting to give in.
Barely hoping, turmoil thundering, I feel it in my soul.
A breath of fresh air, a whisper of peace,
the promise of not having to fight on my own.
Hanging on, looking up, hope is again in sight.
For the dawning of the day is breaking,
after this cold, relentless night.

Snowy finals

     One more week of finals, ladies and gentlemen. One more week. It's all I can do to keep myself mentally present. My mind is so ready for break, so anything study related is a bit of a struggle. I will prevail! Every time finals comes around, I always feel like I'm doing to die, and every year I make it through. Sure there are bumps a long the way, but that's no need to feel like dying.

    To top those feelings off, it snowed this evening and the world looks absolutely exquisite. It is truly one of the most beautiful things to see. I feel like I could spend hours gazing at a blanket of new fallen snow because it's so lovely! Just give me a cup of hot cocoa and a blanket and I will happily sit in a chair and watch the snow. 

Oh yes. I would look at the scene all day long. 

But first, finals. 

Good luck everyone!

life-wise

Hi. I'm lame and I like to disappear off the face of the earth for several months.

Just kidding, but really, I didn't realize how long it had been. This semester has been beyond crazy, full of ups and downs, good times and bad. College-wise, it's been a good semester, general life-wise not so much. I've definitely seen the Lord's hand in my life, bringing me through various trials and what not. Here's some things that have happened this past semester:

-made new friends
-all A's so far
-car trouble
-car fixed!
-fall retreat
-I like a guy
-another car problem
-my grandma passed away
-juggling jobs
-first speeding ticket
-so much school
-still listening to Twenty One Pilots

Ahhh yes. It's been eventful for sure. I can't believe how fast this semester has flown by though. Next week is Thanksgiving break! Hallelujah! Then back to school for two weeks, and then........the end of the semester! Yikes. The end of a semester is always exciting, but there is always so much to be done during the last few weeks. Please excuse me if I lose complete sanity during that time.
Also, I've decided it's weird when you like someone. Not a bad weird, but you think about things differently, and you worry a lot. It took me awhile to realize I liked him, and so now I'm kind of afraid I've lost my chance. So, yes, there we are. I hope everyone is doing well! I wish everyone the best of luck as finals approach. Stay strong!

Time To Say Goodbye

This song, guys, is seriously good. I've like Twenty One Pilots for a while now, but just discovered this song tonight. I like the lyrics. A lot.

Grace

I have so much to learn about the grace of God. I still catch myself thinking that I have to be good enough if I want good things to happen in my life. When something bad happens, sometimes I think it's because I haven't been good enough. But God isn't like that. Nothing I do could ever make Him love me more than He already does, and nothing I do could make Him love me any less than already does. His love is constant and steady. Unlike our love, His love doesn't depend on our actions. And He is so gracious to me when I don't deserve it at all. I can't help but think of a verse I read recently,

"I am not worthy of the least of all the mercies and of all the truth which You have shown Your servant..." Genesis 32:10

God loved me when I was still His enemy. He loved me when there was nothing lovely in me. This fact so overwhelms and amazes me, I'm left speechless. With nothing but a thankful heart, and even then it's not always thankful, I want to honor Him in every aspect of my life. In Christ I have freedom, yet I am bound to Him. Not because of duty, but because of love. It's a stumbling and feeble love compared to His, but it's what I offer up to Him. He deserves my life and my all. 

"if we are faithless, He remains faithful---for He cannot

   deny Himself."

2 Timothy 2:13

A glimpse of Heaven

"I imagine our first glimpse of Heaven will cause us to similarly gasp in amazement and delight. That first gasp will likely be followed by many more as we continually encounter new sights in that endlessly wonderful place. And that will be just the beginning, because we will not see our real eternal home--the New Earth, until after the resurrection of the dead. And it will be far better than anything we've seen.
     So look out a window. Take a walk. Talk with your friend. Use your God-given skills to paint or draw or build a shed or write a book. But imagine it--all of it--in it's original condition. The happy dog with the wagging tail, not that snarling beast, beaten and starved. The flowers unwilted, the grass undying, the blue sky without pollution. People smiling and joyful, not angry, depressed, or empty. If you're not in a particularly beautiful place, close your eyes and envision the most beautiful place you've ever been--complete with palm trees, raging rivers, jagged mountains, waterfalls, or snow drifts.
     Think of friends or family members who loved Jesus and are with Him now. Picture them with you, walking together in this place. All of you have powerful bodies, stronger than those of Olympic decathletes. You are laughing, playing, talking, and reminiscing. You reach up to a tree to pick an apple or orange. You take a bite. It' so sweet that it's startling. You've never tasted anything so good. Now you see someone coming toward you. It's Jesus, with a big smile on His face. You fall to your knees in worship. He pulls you up and embraces you.
     At last, you're with the person you were made for, in the place you were made to be. Everywhere you go there will be new people, new places to enjoy, and new things to discover. What's that you smell? A feast. A party's ahead. And you're invited. There's exploration and work to be done--and you can't wait to get started."
                                                                  -Randy Alcorn

Fearless

Yesterday I got to be fearless. To celebrate the holidays, my family and some of our dear friends packed ourselves up and greeted the sunrise with a smile. Actually, we were a little bleary-eyed, but energy came soon enough and we were off. We piled into several vehicles and went racing through the winding roads and down to the river. It was about two to a canoe and we shoved off from the shore. The whole day was absolutely spectacular. There was much fun to be had, and the weather was perfect. Not a cloud in sight, full sunshine and a slight breeze. The waters were cold and clear. I hadn't been floating in ages, so it was super nice to be back on the river again. We floated the whole day, stopping whenever and wherever. Venturing off the beaten path, skipping rocks, tipping canoes, braving dark spaces and frigid waters. The day was topped off by riding in the back of a pick up truck, then polishing off an entire tub of ice cream with just a few good friends (: It was so perfect of a break, it'll be hard to go back to class! But I wouldn't change a single second. It was so exhilarating, being fearless, I'd like to be like that every day. Very much so.

beautiful people

beautiful people are those who are broken,

those who bear scars and tear stains.

they are the ones who've been wounded in battle,

those who have been lost, alone, and afraid.

their broken pieces tell their story,

the scars are framework of their lives.

broken yet oh so beautiful,

those who know what it is to fall.

beauty is not the appearance of a person,

rather it's the vast depth of their soul.

it's a beautiful thing, that tangled mess

it's beautiful honesty.

Leap

Looking at myself and who I am, I know I want to change. But how? How do I make a leap that big? How do I close that gaping gap? Little by little, and step by step. They say change doesn't happen overnight. I'm not going to wake up tomorrow and be the girl I want to be. Instead it will come through little things, little changes, time after time. Faithful in little; faithful in much. God is the sculptor, and I am the stone. He chips away at me bit by bit, shaping me into who I am to be. Who am I to be? More like Christ. I will never be perfect until I go to be with my Savior. But until then, I am to strive to be like Christ. Instead of comparing myself to those around me, I need to be comparing myself to Him--trying to be more like Him! Like I said, it's not an overnight success story. It's a journey, it's a process, it's lesson learning and taking that first step into the dark. One foot in front of another, and I will change. I don't want to remain complacent. I will strive to be like Him!

"Therefore we make it our aim, whether present or absent, to be well pleasing to Him."
                                  -2 Corinthians 5:9-

Wake Up

Another semester begins! And this is my desire, that I not be complacent, and that I seek to be a light and a witness in all that I do. Have a good one, guys!

Exposed

"remember, you are beautiful only when you do beautiful things, full lips aren’t as beautiful as a full laugh, skinny hips aren’t as attractive as a quick wit. Think about treating others right, and those others will flock to you in screaming droves.
Just peel back those artificial layers, Night Vale. Unzip that name brand coat, those skinny jeans, wipe off that makeup, and quickly but gently peel off that skin that is covering up the true you.
Look at those exposed eyes, dangling unprotected from their gaping sockets, look at the blood and sinew slowly uncoiling from quivering bones, admire that slivery viscera trying to squeeze under those dynamic ribs of yours.
You are organic, to be sure, listener!
Be proud of who you are."


-borrowed from a friend

All I Need

Just a song to share tonight. Have a good weekend, everyone!

Delighting

I like rainy days, hot cups of coffee, and slower music. Those three things just go together hand in hand so well. I've been very selfish as of late, and I would just really like to apologize if that's come across in the blog. I never intended for that to happen. Because of that I just wanted to share something that the Lord has been teaching me. Also, in the greek, Lord means absolute master. Even though I try to live my own life sometimes, the Lord is the absolute master of my life, and I really want Him to be.

Psalm 37: He will NOT forsake His saints.

v.4 --"Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart."

Do I delight/take pleasure in the Lord? Is He my source of joy?
What are my desires?  -good education  -good job  -good relationships  -being a light and witness to others

v.5--"Commit your way to the Lord, trust in Him, and He WILL act."

-Committing means "handing over and walking away." When we commit, we have given the matter up to more capable hands, and God will act.

Don't fret, don't worry, don't stress
Do trust, do commit, do wait/be still

v. 23-- "The steps of a man are established by the Lord, when he delights in His way."

There it is again! Delighting in the Lord. Really, what could be more delightful then Jesus? Absolutely nothing. That's something I find myself learning over and over again. I'm rather forgetful, really (:

v. 24--"..though he fall, he shall not be cast headlong, for the Lord upholds his hand."

I will stumble, I will fall, but that doesn't mean I'm done for. It is such an encouragement to me, to know that the Master Creator of the Universe, and Lord over all, holds my hand. When you're holding someone's hand, and you stumble, they are there to help you up back on your feet. (2 Corinthians 4:8-9)

New Life

Just wanted to share a little something I found that really hits home for me. I like it so much.
Borrowed from Adam Young's blog:

You do not lose your own personality when by faith you take your place with Christ in death. On the contrary, a transformation takes place within your personality. You simply come under new management.

"Therefore if any person is ingrafted in Christ, he is a new creation; the old, previous moral and spiritual condition has passed away. Behold, the fresh and new has come." 2 Cor 5:17

This new life which has begun is the Life of Jesus and your personality becomes His means of expression. He is “all the while effectually at work in you, energizing and creating in you the power and desire, both to will and to work for His good pleasure and satisfaction and delight." Phil 2:13

When you are prepared for the Lord Jesus Christ to change your heart, you will not want to be anyone else. You will be far too excited discovering what He intends you to be.

W. Ian Thomas

untitled

      It's funny how you notice things late at night. It's like your thoughts, which have been running all day, finally catch up to you. At night, there's nothing to “keep your mind off things” so you end up thinking about things. People are so much more than they seem. There is so much underneath their surface, and I know I say that a lot, but I feel like I keep finding that out again and again. I'm so guilty of looking at someone and instantly putting them in a category. For instance, I saw a guy who was maybe 20 or 21, driving a shiny new Nissan. In that second I saw him I thought “rich, pretty boy.” Terrible, aren't I? I felt guilty for thinking that. Maybe there's trouble at home, maybe his parents fight a lot and driving is his way of escape. Maybe he has an older brother that went off and hasn't been heard from since. I don't know why I think of people as just another face sometimes. Because I know that when they look at me, I don't want them to stick me in a category right away, for I know the turmoil I carry within. I want them to see past this stupid facade I put up. This mask I wear isn't me, and I just wish they knew that.

Usually my blog posts start out as an untitled document on my laptop. I got to thinking, my life is a little like that. Currently, it's untitled. There's so much I want to see, so much I want to say, so much I want to do. Where do I even begin? I begin one step at a time. One step in that forward direction. Just wanted to encourage you guys to keep pressing on, keep moving forward, and don't give up. Sorrow is but for a night, but joy comes in the morning (Psalm 30:5) Goodnight!  

Captured

Guys, it's been a long time, I know. Anyways, I'm pretty wiped out tonight, but wanted to share this song with you. I just want to listen to it over and over and over and over and over and over! See? (:



The lyric video is fantastic. When it switches to starry night sky? Ahh so perfect. Formally part of David Crowder Band, they are now The Digital Age! Check em' out (;

Acoustics

So while attacking my list of books to read this summer, I stumbled across a quote from the book North of Beautiful (Such a good read). Anyways, it goes like this,

"for a guy to know me so deeply and truly, that we were only really complete when we were together. That I could talk to, go on wild tangents with, make obtuse references, and he would divine my every meaning before I knew what I was trying to say myself."

Sappy, right? Possibly. (But I like it). I don't know, it just fits with the hazy thoughts I've had in the back of my head. The memo pad on my cellphone is probably the most used app. I feel like I'm always writing stuff down! Whether it's my words, someone else's words, things to look up, ect., ect.

On another note, summer has been fantastic so far. Busy with work mainly, but a few weekend trips.Mainly I just love the warmth, the sunshine, the open windows, the coffee on the porch, and all the smells and summer foods! So wondrous. This week has been crazy busy, and I'm pretty wiped out, but I will leave you all with a song. Talking about Relient K a few days ago, I've been listening to their whole discography. So many memories! I then rediscovered their acoustic stuff. Ahhh man. That is my favorite. Something about acoustic songs, I don't know, they're almost dreamy. If that makes sense. So here it is (:



Also, this one:

Mhmm

Totally pre-ordered Relient K's new album today. I am seriously excited for this!!! I heard this song today....



aaaaand I haven't stopped playing it since. Relient K has been one of my favorite bands since junior high. Such good stuff. Their Mhmm album is a much loved favorite, and I think this song will join that list (;

Inner Thoughts

There's something immensely scary about the unknown. We want to know who we are, where we belong, and what we should do. Currently my brain has been scrambled, and I'm constantly thinking about what I should be doing with my life. More than anything, I want to live a life that brings glory and honor to God. I want to be a light and a witness, and I want to turn the world upside down to be right side up. I've just really been asking the Lord what He would have me to do. I can't help but wonder if maybe I'm in the wrong major....I don't know, just these whirling thoughts that have been going on for days. Here's some of the scattered things I've written this week. They're a glimpse inside my constant flow of thought.

I don't know how many times I've said this, but I'm a different person when I write. The words make sense. They flow. They rise, they fall, they stare at me in black and white. I can go back and correct things, rearrange the fragment thoughts into complete sentences. It's not easy to do such things mid-conversation. I just want to talk the way I write. I want someone to know I have these words inside of me, and that I'm not silent because I have nothing to say, but I'm silent because I'm brimming with words. Words that want to be spoken, to have life breathed into them. They want to dance across the air in such a way that leaves breathtaking images to the listeners imagination. People don't talk like that anymore. I wish they did, oh, how I wish they did. Is it stupid though? These thoughts of mine? I feel like people are always attracted to the outspoken girls, who have no problem speaking their mind. I want to speak my mind sometimes, but I reign my tongue back in. I have nothing interesting to say. I tell myself. Nothing that they would care to hear. It's not important anyway.

I'm afraid of someone wanting to get to know me; wanting to see what lies inside. I'm afraid they'll be disappointed by what they will find. I'm afraid of opening myself up that far, and letting them see the darkness in my heart.

Maybe I'm doing it all wrong. Instead of writing I should be designing. But I design with my words, I, I don't know if I can design with art. Am I a failure? I'm not who I wish to be. I feel like a shell, and the real me is still hiding somewhere inside, afraid to step out into the light. It's been almost twenty years. Is is too late to change? My heart hasn't stopped racing since who knows when, my thoughts are all a tangled mess. I ache somewhere deep inside, a place where I can't reach. Lord, what would You have me do?  

to be content

So while talking to one of my friends tonight, I mentioned that rich people lead a different life. He quickly responded with "Yeah and it's one I wouldn't want to live." The more I thought about it, the more I totally agreed with it. Having money isn't bad, but there are so many things you gain when you don't have money. Coming from a big family, if I ever wanted something, I had to earn the money for it. I pay for my education, I paid for my car, I buy my clothes, and whatever else I want. It's not always easy, but I appreciate these things so much because I worked hard for them. They have more value to me because of that. Take my car for instance: it's a little red Pontiac, nothing fancy, but I wouldn't trade it for a Lamborghini. Honestly. I love my little red car. There is so much to be gained from hard work! And I think this generation has forgotten that. Compared to some, my life seems like a rich life. We all have our struggles, someone will always have more than we have, but I'm genuinely happy. I want to be like Paul when he said,
"for I have learned in whatever state I am to be content." -Philippians 4:11-
Can you imagine? Paul doesn't just say "whenever there are good times I am content." No. It's in WHATEVER STATE. Rich, poor, full, hungry, happy, lonely. Paul is able to be content with life. Why? Because he knows there is more to life than things, and that is the Savior, Jesus Christ. He is all I need, even though I often forget that concept. With Christ, there is want for nothing. Does this mean I get everything I want? Of course not. Because not everything is helpful to me, and I learn and grow from the hard times. God planted me here, in my life, because He wanted me here, and for that I am content. I have been greatly blessed with what I have, and I'm grateful that the Lord has placed me right here.

Sweet Summer

What do you do when the sleep doesn't come? When you're lying wide awake in the dark with nothing but an urge to run. Run fast and run far, run from wherever you are. Adventure is waiting, and it feels like you're missing, lying there alone in the dark. This summertime feeling is un-explainable. The insatiable desire to move, to breathe, to feel the wind in your face. I just want to drive my little red car all over town with the windows down and the radio turned all the way up. I want to laugh out loud for no reason at all, and I want to drink the night air in. I don't want to sleep. I don't want to miss a second. I want to be out there, somewhere, with someone. I want to leave behind these city lights, and glimpse the silver stars amid their dark velvet blanket. I want to spin and twirl under the stars until I fall down with dizziness. Star tripping is what we call it. Fireflies are beginning to come out, berries are ripening, honeysuckle is blossoming, and summer, sweet summer is calling.

Writing, Reading, and Listening

Fact: I stay up late listening to Jack's Mannequin, looking up good books to read, working on finishing the twelve different stories I've started, and, well, blogging.

It's an exciting life I lead, isn't it? Honestly I enjoy it. I think I enjoy staying up late way too much, which might be border-lining into insomnia. Maybe. I'll keep you posted. For real though, guys, I want like ALL the Jack's Mannequin piano books. The fact that piano is a key part of his music makes him all the more of a favorite. Heads up though, not all his songs are clean, so be careful. That being said, here's a good one!




Also, as far as good books go. Any recommendations? Right now I'm looking to read Howl's Moving Castle, The Little Prince, and The Damascus Countdown. I forgot how much I loved reading. Another summer perk (;

Oddly enough, the Memo app on my phone is by far my favorite. I write down everything. From favorite verses from the Bible, lyrics that catch my ear, songs to look up, books to read, quotes to inspire, lists of all kinds, and some of my random writings. Here's one for tonight:

The me in my head is basically a hippie/art chick. With a dash of emo maybe? Not the dark part, but the troubled writer/skinny jean wearer part. The me in my head is eloquent and witty, with an uncommon knowledge of random facts. She's sure of herself, with a slight tinge of fear that keeps her from being totally stupid. She chugs coffee like nobody's business, and is actually a bit of a coffee snob. She has a secret. A secret that drives her and gives her that air of mystery. She stays up way too late painting and making a mess, trying to hash out her tangled feelings. The me in me is quiet, but fierce. Fiercely loving and protecting the ones I love. 

I write more honestly when I pretend I'm writing about someone else (referring to "she" instead of "I"). This all concludes my random Sunday night/Monday morning post. Goodnight, all you lovely people!

Upside Down

"These who have turned the world upside down.." --Acts 17:6

There are Christians who are saved, and yet they aren't really living in the grace God has given them. I'm guilty of this myself, and it frustrates me so much. I know who I am in Christ. I'm forgiven, redeemed, set free, and brought into the family. I know this, and yet I find myself just living, and not fully alive in Christ. Reading through the New Testament, I crave that boldness Peter and the others had. I want to live that kind of life for my Savior. There is an incredible amount of work that needs to be done. We should be praying for workers, because there is absolutely NOTHING that can hold a candle to serving the living God. I have to ask myself, "Is my heart right before God, to the extent that God could call me right now to do His work?" 

     Persecution is coming. Scratch that, it's already here. Jesus never said that being a Christian would be easy, after all, is a servant better than his master? Being a Christian isn't a religion, it is a relationship with a God who loved you SO much that He spared not His son to die for you (Romans 8:32). One of my dear friends recently told me, "Following Christ is like a drug addiction, but without the consequences. When I don't have Christ in my life, and I have run away from Him, there is no joy in my life. But with Christ there is incredible joy." Joy is different from happiness in that happiness is momentary, but joy lasts a lifetime and through the pain. It doesn't always mean you smile through pain, but it means deep down inside you know there's more then this, and that the pain won't last forever. There is hope in the morning!

     The verse from Acts 17 blew me away over the weekend. It was like I had never noticed it before, that short little phrase: "These who have turned the world upside down." I want that so much to be said of my generation. I want us to live truly and passionately for Christ! I want to go further with Christ than my parents ever did. I want to see God do great things that we have never seen. I want to be a people of prayer! And I long for revival in this country. America was founded on the Word of God, and we were greatly blessed for that. Being faithful to God was the very reason we succeeded as a nation, but now we have turned from Christ, and the nation is hurting because of it. People are in pain, wars are tearing us apart, peace is sought and peace is not found. Why? Not only because we have CHOSEN to turn from God, but because our time on earth is short, and I truly believe that we will not be here much longer. Can you count how many movies that have come out in the past 2-3 years that dealt with aliens and the end of the world? The world knows that the end is near, and they are afraid.
    Because time is short I want to plead with the other believers to take that stand for Christ. To live fully for Him. Be the generation who will turn the world upside down! Pray earnestly for revival and repentance. Because living for Christ is something you will NEVER regret. 

Comeback

Jack's Mannequin is back!! As a solo artist of course (; nonetheless I am super excited. His song Dark Blue will forever be a favorite.

Struggles of Perfection

     Perfection isn't demanded of me, but I demand it of myself. When I fail, I get mad at myself for not doing better, for not getting it right. I don't know what it is, but I guess I feel the need to be perfect. Which is stupid really, because there is no one on earth who is perfect. The only one who is perfect is God. I'm so incredibly thankful that God doesn't demand perfection of me, because I fall short all too often. What brought this up? I didn't finish to well in one of my classes this semester. It's going to effect my GPA, and I'm afraid of that. I feel so stupid, and I wish I had done things differently. I wish I had been better. Thus concludes the end of my sophomore year of college. I know that next semester is a new semester, and it will be a fresh start. I just gotta learn from these mistakes. I'm bad about not looking back. I let the past hang over my head and haunt me, not on purpose, but I just catch myself doing it. I want to move on, keep my face looking forward. It hurts right now, it really, really hurts. But  I know that all things will work together for good. God has a plan and a purpose and I'm just going to keep moving forward. Summer has finally arrived.

Thinking about thinking

Restless, restless, restless.

I want to move, I want to go,

I want to throw my worries out the window.

Thousands of thoughts inside my head,

all of them with no place to go.

The only outlet my thoughts have

is the flow of pencil on paper.

Black and white, white and black

things make sense again.

Thoughts don't sleep, dreams don't keep,

these words they never cease.

I think more than I speak

I write more than I say

Quiet on the inside, turmoil lies within

trying to unravel the mess in me.

(by: me)

      When I write, it's always honest and true because I don't stop to think about how the words flow, I just write them as they come. Sometimes there's an effort to make things rhyme, but other times I really don't care. When I write like that, things come spilling out that amaze me because feelings I hadn't voiced suddenly come to life on paper. Do you ever forget that people think? To be honest, I do it all the time. I get so immersed in my own thoughts that I don't think about how the person sitting next to me could be swimming through their own sea of thoughts. It's odd how that works. 

P.S. I discovered these two tonight, and I think this song is just so sweet! Enjoy!

     

Rainy Days and Coffee Shops

     Something about rainy days make me want to go spend the afternoon in a coffee shop. I went to a coffee shop I had never been to before today. It was the cutest thing ever. It was a little shop, with little tables and painted chairs. My best friend and I stood at the counter as we watched the sweetest older gentlemen whip up some lovely lattes for us. He even did coffee art! An art that I would most like to learn. Maybe he would teach me.....My friend and I then sat at one of the little tables and enjoyed our hot coffee that was served in big black mugs. Mmmmm, so tasty! It was nice to relax, drink coffee, and catch up. Definitely a perfect rainy day activity. 

Speaking of coffee shops....

Story Break

Do you guys want to read a story? I've been trying to write a two page art critique, but I was struggling for words so I switched over to a story. The story is 29 pages long, and it's super easy to keep on writing for it. This is a ninja story, and as I write it I'm picturing it as a manga. I feel like the more I write, the better it gets, so I almost don't want to let you read the beginning! I guess beginnings do come first, plus it would make more sense if we started from the beginning. So here goes:

  Snow fell softly from the hazy, gray sky and lay around the farm in a heavy white blanket. Thick flakes swirled through the air, but other than that all the world was still. A scream suddenly rang out. “No!” She cried in terror, but the scream was quickly silenced. A shadowy figure staggered out of the barn, and blood dripped upon the new fallen snow. He fell to his knees and coughed up blood. The pure white snow instantly became a pool of crimson all around him. “I'll never tell.” He muttered. “No one will ev--”

But his sentence instantly ended as a tall stranger knifed him in the chest. “Don't be too sure about that.” He whispered in the poor man's ear. He then pulled his knife from the body and it collapsed to the ground. The stranger then quickly disappeared into the dark menacing forest as it swallowed him up. The snow continued to fall and the world was again eerily quiet.

Crouched atop the building, Kynsai surveyed the city below her. She knew this place like the back of her hand, from its rooftops to the maze of alleys and streets, even though she had only been there a year. The city was still sleeping and all was quiet as Kynsai stood up and squinted as she tried to make out the faces of the two figures who were approaching the city gate. She leaped from roof to roof, spinning and flipping as she went, and ended up at one of the gate towers. As she gazed out over the horizon, the two cloaked figures had almost arrived at the entrance. Laying flat on the roof, Kynsai watched as the guards prepared to meet the travelers.

There seemed to be no trouble and the travelers entered the gates of the city. Kynsai turned and watched them walk away, their robes flapping in the breeze. As she watched them go, Kynsai couldn't help the suspicious feeling that rose up inside of her. Grabbing an electrical pole, Kynsai slid down to the ground. As Kynsai walked through the streets, she saw the other orphans who lived, like her, among the alleys. A few made eye contact, but then quickly looked away. Though they never said it, Kynsai knew they were afraid of her, for she was different from the rest. Her hand instinctively rose to make sure her mask covered her face. Her mask began at the middle of her nose, and hid the rest of her face from there, and it was really more of a piece of cloth than a mask.

Even though the orphans were afraid, she was always welcome among them. She was guaranteed protection, able to beat up any unwelcome visitors that came their way. No one dared mess with Kynsai, the Shadow, they called her.

Kynsai was tall and lithe with golden skin and vivid green eyes. Her hair was caramel-colored with the tips of her hair edged in black. Her hair was long and layered, so the black tips fell jaggedly all around. Her dark brows were a striking contrast to her light colored hair, and only intensified the green in her eyes. A white strip of cloth hid the bottom half of her face, and she wore a silver chain around her neck which disappeared under whatever shirt she would wear.

“Kynsai!”

Kynsai turned to see Maji running towards her, so she stopped and waited for her to catch up.

“Thanks for waiting.” Maji panted, coming up alongside her.

Kynsai nodded. “Is everything alright?” She asked.

Maji shrugged. “Oh, yeah.”

Kynsai had to smile. Maji was always like that. She always acted like she had something to tell you when it was really nothing at all.

“Two strangers came into the city today.” Kynsai remarked.

Maji arched an eyebrow. “Did you see them?”

“Mhmm.” Kynsai said with a nod. “I couldn't see their faces well because they were robed in black.

“And you don't think they're just ordinary travelers, am I right?” Maji asked, knowing that Kynsai always seemed to know when something was off.

“I didn't think so.” Kynsai replied, brushing her caramel-colored hair from her face.

Maji tossed her dark ponytail and studied Kynsai with intelligent gray eyes. “Then who were they?”

Kynsai shrugged her slim shoulders. “I'll find out eventually.”

“Maybe they're Saosin.” Maji suggested, referring the the first class ninjas.

“I don't know,” Kynsai said, “could be.”

Maji could tell by the tone of voice that Kynsai wasn't buying it. Maji merely shrugged. “Hmm. Well, I have to go. I'll see you around.” She called over her shoulder as she bounded off.

Kynsai watched her go. Maji was one of the few orphans who tried to talk to her, and even though Kynsai never mentioned it, she was grateful for that.

A sudden shadow passed over Kynsai's face and she instantly looked up, but she saw nothing except for the clear blue sky above. The streets had begun filling up with people as the sun rose higher. Not being much of a crowd person, Kynsai darted into an alley nearby, escaping into the city's maze.

Ideal

Today, one of the guys I work with wanted to know what I considered my "ideal guy." Totally threw me for a loop, and at first I wasn't even sure what to say. I know some girls make lists of what they want in a guy, but for me it was always just something that was vaguely in the back of my mind. Every now and then I'd be like, "Oh yeah, I like a guy that's like that." Anyways, this is all kind of round about, but, I was going somewhere with this. I thought about it some more before I answered him, and I actually came up with a couple things. The more I think about it though, the more thoughts I have on the matter. I don't want someone whose perfect. I'm not perfect, and I know that nobody is really perfect. I want a guy whose real, not someone who has to fake being someone else. A guy who likes me for me, in spite of all my flaws and weaknesses, and in turn I hope that I can like a guy like that. There's a quote that kind of sums my tangled thoughts up.

The most important thing for me though, in a guy, is not just that he's a Christian, but that he is passionate about the things of God. I don't want a guy whose satisfied with just being a Christian. I want a guy who continually seeks to grow in the Lord, as well as challenges me in my own walk with the Lord. I realize that not too many girls think like that. Call me old-fashioned, but that's okay with me. It's not a bad thing to be a little old-fashioned. So those are my thoughts on the "ideal guy." But really, I know God will bring along the guy whose just right for me, and God's timing is perfect. 

Shadows and Light

Rainy days were meant for naps, watching old movies, sipping on coffee, or curling up with a good book. Or they can be spent playing piano, writing, sketching, or playing video games all afternoon. Kingdom Hearts and Legend of Zelda are two of my favorites that I still play today. Is that weird? I just love the music, and the plots so much. Especially the music! Not gonna lie, even some of the quotes give me chills. The intro for Kingdom Hearts? Powerful thoughts. One of my favorite quotes though would be, "The closer you get to the light, the greater your shadow becomes." Yup, I just got chills. The words are just so powerful, and I've been thinking about what it means. It says in the Bible that men love darkness rather than light, because the light reveals what they are really like. You can't hide in the light. The closer you get to the light, the more of the shadows you see, but also, the more shadow you leave behind. The shadow could be the past you're leaving behind, or maybe it's the legacy you're leaving behind. In the light, that shadow is behind you, regardless of how big it is. In the light, my true nature is revealed, and my soul is laid bare before the Maker of Heaven and Earth. I myself can see the ugliness, the selfishness, and the secrets I've hidden inside. I'm so ashamed I want to cry. Again I wonder, how could God love someone like me? Jesus is the light of the world, the light that shines in the darkness, I cannot hide anything from Him.

It's scary, but at the same time it's so refreshing. To know I don't have to hide, to know I don't have to pretend. I'm without excuse when I stand before Him. Yet He LOVES me. Because I have believed in the Lord Jesus Christ, God sees me differently. When He looks at me, He sees someone who has been cleansed and made new. Because of the work of the cross, God no longer sees my sin-stained heart, but He sees what His Son has done. Even if you were the only person on this earth, God still would have sent His Son, Jesus Christ, to die for YOU. You are precious in His sight. He loved me even when I was still a sinner. He loved me when I was His enemy. He loves me when I fall, when I fail, when I run, when I hide. What I do could never make Him love me less. Because of His love, I long to serve Him, and to let others know about the love that changed my life. He is the one who compels me to live. He is my strength when I am weak. His love is like no other! I can honestly say the best decision of my life was believing on the Lord Jesus Christ. Without Him I would have no hope. Without Him I would be nothing.

P.S.

Made

Guys, I love this song. Exactly what I needed to hear!



After hearing this song, I immediately purchased the entire album.

After All

A song to start off your day. I've been singing this one since yesterday!

Words, words, words

Story of my life right up there. I also have this habit of scribbling random notes all over the edges of my paper in my notebooks. It helps me to put my thoughts into words, even if no one sees them. Tonight though, I thought I would post a couple of my little scribblings. 

"I have these words trapped inside of me. If I knew how, I would set them free. If only my mouth weren't the jailer, and I had the key."

"I'm not perfect, not I'm not. But I am able to stand before a righteous God, because of the blood that Jesus shed for me. What kind of love is that? Such love. Such mercy. Such grace."

"I fall in love with fictional characters--those who don't exist. Because I know if they did exist, they would understand. How can a heart break for someone that isn't even real? We sympathize. We empathize. The character becomes part of us. We see our flaws, fears, hopes, and dreams brought to life."

"If I could I would give them my notebooks. Maybe then they would see inside of me. Thousands of words, thoughts not spoken. Words I don't know how to say out loud. Words I keep inside."

Those scribblings would be like baring my soul to someone I knew. It's funny how it's easier to share things with strangers then friends. Anyway, a lot to think about, a lot on my mind. Oh! I also discovered this song that I absolutely love. When I heard it, it was like "someone else gets it!" I hope you enjoy (:

For the weekend

I was going to write a rambling post about my hermit life of school and work, a bit more school, and all things exciting, but I suddenly realized how late it was. That being said, I also have to work tomorrow morning, early, so I leave you with a song for the weekend and the promise of a future post tomorrow (; 

Too cute. 

Letter Writing

So my sister and I have started writing letters to each other. She only lives about 30 minutes away, but it's fun to get mail, and the both of us are better writing than speaking. It was her turn to write the letter this week, but it's been a rough week for me and I wanted someone to talk to, so I wrote her the letter instead. I just wanted to share a bit with you, because I know we all have bad days, bad weeks, struggles, and ups and downs. Life truly is a roller coaster sometimes, but I take comfort in knowing that God is in control, ALL the time. Anyway, here's a bit of my letter. I hope it encourages you.

"....Some days I feel like I'm falling apart at the seams, and no one even knows. Why can't they see it? Because I've learned to hide it, and to hold it inside. Before I knew it, people expected me to be like that----always smiling, always nice. They say I'm nice, but I'm afraid that if they saw me on the inside, they would be disappointed, disgusted even. I don't have it all together. I do have bad days. But it's like they don't realize that. 
     I struggle between being a good witness for my Savior, and trying to be perfect 100% of the time. I know that my imperfections are part of being a good witness, though. Like the Lord says, "My strength is made perfect in weakness." (2 Corinthians 12:9). Yet I keep trying to be perfect: to be the one who has it all together. Do you ever feel like you're constantly fighting a battle inside between your emotions and what you know is the truth? So much conflict.
     Remember when you told me in your letter that I wasn't alone? That was the best thing I could have heard right then. To know that someone else struggled, someone else cried, and someone else smiled in spite of the pain. That meant the world to me...."

My sister is such a blessing to me, and I'm so thankful for the friendship that we have. I'm thankful I can be so honest with her, and I know she won't love me any less because of that. God is like that. Even though he sees my faults, my weaknesses, and my imperfections, He doesn't love me any less because of it. And for that I'm a truly thankful! I would be so lost without His grace and mercy. Great is His faithfulness.

Hikari

I don't know about most people, but I personally really, really enjoy video game music. Not all of it, obviously, but definitely a good section. Especially the soundtracks for Final Fantasy, Kingdom Hearts, and Legend of Zelda--things like that. Anyways, I just wanted to share one of my most favorites. I never get tired of listening to this one, and I hope you all enjoy it as well. Truly beautiful!

Oh Boy

Basically, I just discovered this song tonight, and I think the whole world should know about its existence. Not only is it super, super catchy and fun to sing along to, but its got me all excited for summer and sunshine and shorts. Oh boy! 

Little Talks

Alright, so I'm assuming most of you might have heard the song Little Talks by Of Monsters and Men. It's a great song, and super catchy at that. (Take a listen if you haven't already). Needless to say, they have several other really great songs as well, and they are very unique in lyrics and sound.

This one in particular.


As well as this one



I hope you enjoy this beautiful day! 

Beautiful Country

To say I love traveling would be an understatement. If I possibly could, I would become a photographer for a travel magazine and visit countries all over the world to capture their beauty. Needless to say, one place that I dream about going to one day, would be Iceland. I think it's such a beautiful country, and from what I've seen, I love everything about it. How incredible are these photos?

After seeing these photos, I was MORE than ready to hop in my car and catch the next flight to Iceland. It's absolutely breathtaking! Also, the band Sigur Ros, whose music I enjoy immensely, is from Iceland! Perfect.

Disappointments

Have you ever had those moments where you're really, really looking forward to something, and you've been counting down the days till you leave/the day arrives? But then, something comes up and those plans fall through, and you're left feeling with a vague ache inside the hollow of your chest. What is that feeling? Disappointment. It's when you were SO looking forward to something, but that something couldn't happen. Needless to say, the point of this story applies to me, and I brought it up because we all deal with countless disappointments in life. Whether it's not getting asked out by the guy you like, a road trip couldn't be taken, or plans with a good friend ended up being canceled. There are all kinds of disappointments, and we run in to them on a daily basis. There are little disappointments, and big disappointments (we didn't get that job offer we were hoping for). So how do we deal with them?

This weekend I was really looking forward to leaving town with my sister, and head to a Bible conference that my uncle hosts every year. It's a great weekend of fellowship, friends, and really good teaching from the Word of God. I know that's a small disappointment compared to some, but I always really enjoy that weekend. But due to a winter storm, and bad icy road conditions, I won't be taking that trip. I was crushed. I had planned my schedule accordingly, I had gotten my homework done, and I had even halfway packed. At first I started to cry, to be honest, and then I sucked up those tears and told myself to get over it! (denial). I asked God "why?' but no sooner had those thoughts entered my head, when I was struck by the thought that "God is still in control." I don't know why God wants me to stay home this weekend, but I know that He has my best interest at heart. Even though I don't understand the "why" part now, someday I will know. I am reminded of His promises, and how His thoughts are higher than my thoughts.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you, and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future." --Jeremiah 29:11

I can't see the future, but I know the One who holds the future in His hands. God is a faithful God, and I know that I am to walk by faith and not by sight. It's easy to trust someone when it's light out and you can see, but it's much harder when it's dark and you have to fully trust in them. That's something that God has been teaching me lately, and even though it still hurts a bit, I have peace knowing that He is Sovereign.

"In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while, if need be, you have been grieved by various trials, that the genuineness of your faith, being much more precious than gold that perishes, though it is tested by fire, may be found to praise, honor, and glory at the revelation of Jesus Christ." --1 Peter 1:6-7

May my trials bring glory to my Lord and Savior.

Perusing

So whenever I'm working on my design projects, or homework in general, really, I can't help but peruse Youtube and I find all kinds of incredible songs. There are so many unknown, or just beginning artists, and I'm really taken in by their sound. It's new, it's different, and there's a lot of raw emotion there that the stuff on the radio completely lacks. I'm not saying "don't listen to the radio," but it's just my personal preference to plug in my ipod, or my own mixed CD. Regardless of your views on this, here are a couple great songs I've stumbled upon today. Enjoy! 

The intro had me hooked. 


I'm a sucker for acoustic. 



Great sound. 



More acoustics. Such a great, great song, guys. 

My kind of music.

Find Me

That feeling you get when you're lost in a crowd. My heart starts racing, my throat goes dry, and I get this overwhelming urge to run away and hide. "I don't want them to see me." I think to myself as I cower inside. So many people, so many faces. Why is it such a fight to stay? I can't help but think of Iris by The Goo Goo Dolls. "I don't want the world to see me, cause I don't think that they'd understand." Do other people feel this way? A complacent look on the outside, but on the inside I'm trembling. I have a secret though. And I square my shoulders, and lift my head as I sweep over the faces pretending I'm looking for someone I know. I briefly meet people's gaze with a hint of a smile, but they don't really know how afraid I really am. 

The lyrics, "It took awhile for you to find me," mean a lot to me. Because it means that even though it took awhile, someone still took the time to look. 

Just Might

Do you ever have that song you just wish someone would sing to you? That song would have the perfect lyrics, and you can't help but imagine someone special singing it just for you. Let's just say I think that a lot, haha. There are several songs I wish someone would sing to me, but there's one in particular. I mean, I know what I'm like on the inside, but nobody else does, except for my Savior of course. But if a guy sang this to me, I might just marry him on the spot. 





Or this one. 

Long Days and Drives

You know it's been a long day when you're getting ready for bed, and while busy thinking about work tomorrow, you accidentally put on your khaki's instead of your sweats. Oops. This is a sure sign that I am in need of sleep, and my heavy eyelids agree. On a side note, I realized today that, I love to just jump in my car and drive off, somewhere, no planned route or anything. I like to take the back roads and see where they go, explore places I haven't been before, and I just really, really like to drive. I like to watch the scenery roll past, and driving is a good way to think things through, and what not. It's calming really. Unless you are the kind of person who likes to drive fast all the time, but usually ends up stuck behind slow people. Ah well, such is life (: 

A song for you guys: 

Another Semester

Well, another semester begins. Honestly, I'm actually super excited about this semester because I'm taking more core classes (that actually have to do with my major) as opposed to just gen eds. This morning went really well, and I think it's going to be an absolute blast. I was always that weird kid that liked school anyway. I mean, I love breaks and not doing school, but I like school too. One of the girls in my class is actually big into anime too, so that was really nice. It made me feel like "I'm not the only one!" which is always a plus. Haha. I'm headed out this afternoon to pick up some art supplies so I'm pretty psyched. I love buying art supplies! It just makes me feel happy. If you've started school, or start school next week, I wish you the best of luck! And I'll just leave you with a song(:

Beautiful Morning

The first sunrise was a success! I actually stayed awake all night, and finally went to catch a couple hours of sleep around 8:30. Sadly though, it was pretty cloudy over here this morning, but the sky was tinged a beautiful pink, and the snow began to glow as a few rays of sun tried to break through the clouds. It was perfect. It was early, but perfect.

First Sunrise

I cannot believe at how fast 2012 seemed to fly by. They say the years go faster the older that you get, and I have found those words to be very true. Looking back at all the memories, I can see how I've grown and changed. I am truly blessed in this life, and sometimes I'm amazed at how gracious God is to me. There are lessons that I have learned, and lessons that I know I will still be learning next year too. I've learned more about God, and grown closer in my walk with Him. I've grown closer to my family, and have learned to cherish the time I have with them. I am continually realizing that life is short, and I shouldn't take for granted the things I have. I wish everyone the very best this coming year. Right now I'm trying to keep myself awake to watch the first sunrise of the new year. I don't have anyone to watch it with, so if you are up and in the area, feel free to pop on over! And when that sun rises on the first day of this new year, you make a wish. I get ridiculously excited about little things like this, the only hard part is trying to stay awake for it! If you are wondering why in the world I would stay up to watch the sunrise, watch this. Now that right there is an episode from the first anime I ever read/watched all the way through. (It's definitely worth watching, and if you don't do subtitles, they have ones where they speak in English). And that pretty much explains the first sunrise.I wish you all the best this 2013, and a Happy New Year!

It's finally here, this brand new year,

the old has gone and a new one has begun. 

New choices to make, new risks to take,

Love to be given, and love to be lost.

The year dawns bright and clear,

and hope is on the horizon.

We want that fresh start; to begin anew,

to really live and put the past to rest. 

We'll live a little differently, try a little harder

love a little stronger, and hold on longer.

We'll laugh, we'll live, striving more for kindness,

we'll make friends, learn lessons, and practice forgiveness. 

May you come to know the Savior,

and of the love He has for you.

For this brand new day is dawning bright,

as the old year fades away like night.

~by me~