who are you now?

when the music fades, and the light goes down
when the mask is put aside;
who are you now?

when you close your door
is it the closing cut?
when the scene fades to black
who are you left with?

when the day is done
and there's no one to impress
do you ever sit by yourself
all alone in quiet unrest?

do the tears ever spill
or do you hold on to them still?
when your guard is let go at last
who are you left with?

when your heart is laid bare
does it make you feel scared?
when the credits roll
who are you now?

Revive me

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. Thinking about a lot of stuff that I had pushed to the back of my mind. Mainly I've been thinking about the way I've been living. I've gotten so caught up in wanting others to think that I'm "cool" and I'm afraid I haven't been a good witness for my Savior. I know we're only in March, but I thank the Lord that we're only in March, because honestly, I haven't been living for Him this year, but I've been living for myself. I've been aimlessly looking for "the next big thing" and not seriously considering my motives. Truthfully, I didn't want to address my motives, because I knew I would find them to be disgusting and horribly selfish.

I once told a good friend of mine that I was a very selfish person. I wanted someone else to know what I was like on the inside; what kind of monster was struggling within me. Well, this year he had gotten the best of me. I was so focused on myself that I'm afraid I hurt some of the friends close to me. I've been so self-centered that I've actually neglected relationships. Relationships with my family, my friends, and most importantly, my Savior. I can't help but ask: where have I gone? How did I come so far? It was one small step, one small lie led to another until I've come to find myself cold and in the dark. 

I've become calloused and apathetic, and I cry out to my Savior asking Him if I've come too far. Have I really blown it this time? Have I passed the point of no return? I'm begging please that He would revive me in His way. Over and over again, that's all I can think of. Revive me. Bring me back to life, Lord. Please bring me back to You. I don't want to live like this any more. I don't want to be cold and selfish. I want to live in His light and life. 

"Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me...." "...restore to me, the joy of Your salvation." --Psalm 51:10,12

That is my prayer tonight. Revive me, renew me, restore me. I'm thankful that God is a God of second chances. I'm thankful that even when I've given up on myself, He hasn't given up on me. Are there consequences for my sin? Absolutely. But I know that "whom the Lord loves, He chastens." (Hebrews 12:6). I want to know God more. I want to know more about Him, like one would want to know more about a friend. I want to learn from this, and draw closer to God through this. I don't want to continue on in apathy. 

music mondays

We can pretend it's Monday, right? (even though we're halfway through the week already). School and work have just kept me super busy. Spring break is already in just 3 weeks. I feel like I can't keep up! We've had snow for so long now, and today it finally got up into the 30s. Let me tell you, it was basically a heat wave. I drove home with my windows down and the sun roof open! (but wore long-sleeves of course). Anyway, here's a couple of songs for your week. Enjoy!

This one got popular super fast, but it's definitely a good one.



I'm a sucker for acoustics.



Not usually a country fan, but this song is beautiful.



Big fan of his music.



More acoustics. Also, I highly recommend checking out the entire Twenty One Pilots discography. Definitely one of my favorite bands!

music mondays

Music Monday is back! Time sure does fly. Anyways, lately I've really, really been enjoying Bastille and Atlas Genius. I guess I already posted some of their stuff, but I'd recommend checking out their discography! Quality stuff. Here's the posts for today. Enjoy!

mellow



love, love, love this song so much.



definitely a good one.



super fun vibes.



still waiting for this one to get popular.



aaaaaaand this last one is a winner!

flaws

Just a few months ago, I discovered the band Bastille. Since then I seem to be hearing their music everywhere I go! Not that I mind that in the least bit. However, it's hard to let go of songs that were close to your heart. Their song "Flaws" is absolutely beautiful. I especially love this live version. There's so much depth and honesty to the lyrics that I just really appreciate it. Not to mention, his voice plus the strings is breathtaking. Two favorite lines in this song. "You have always worn your flaws upon your sleeve, and I have always buried mine deep beneath the ground." The second favorite, "All of your flaws and all of my flaws, when they have been exhumed we'll see that we need them to be who we are, without them we'd be doomed." Those two lines are just so perfect. Flaws are what make a person unique. Everyone struggles, everyone goes through hard times, but everyone has it a little different. I consider my issue with speaking words to be a flaw of mine. Because of it, I feel as if I can never communicate properly. I hope someday I will find someone who won't give up on me, but rather, will pry the words from right between my clenched teeth. 

the secret life

     Tonight I took my younger brother and sister out to see The Secret Life Of Walter Mitty. Highly recommended. It was so beautiful and breathtaking, and the story line was incredibly unique. Not to mention, the cinematography was top notch. Anyways, the movie really got me thinking, and left me totally inspired. To be alive. To live, fully, and adventurously. Walter Mitty tends to zone out a lot, creating fantastic daydreams inside his head of what could have happened, or what he could have said. Ah, it really got me. There are so many things I know I've left unsaid. I imagine that all the time, actually. But I hang onto those words and tend to let that moment pass away. 

     I make up for my inadequacy with words. Words, words, words. Words on paper, and not words spoken. In my mind it's something I'm good at. Because of this I write on anything and everything, anywhere and anytime. It is stupid? Maybe. But it makes me feel a little bit better about things, because those words are something they can't see. Yet it's so frustrating to not be able to say what I want to say. That's are something I've struggled with all my life. I've decided that I'm so quiet, not because I have nothing to say, but because I have too much to say. There are so many thoughts swirling around in my head and I don't know how to process all of them, to sift through and find the right words for that exact moment. Either that or I know what to say, but I'm afraid to voice it out loud. I thought I'd gotten past that struggle, but in certain moments I know I totally haven't.

     That's why I really enjoyed this movie. To see someone become who they always wanted to be; to see that someone was able to overcome those fears and to really live. I appreciated that. If you have a moment to spare, I'd say the movie was definitely worth watching. I mean, I'm already ready to see it again! On a side note, the soundtrack is equally fantastic. I'll leave you with a little quote I really enjoyed. 

"I live by the ABCs of life: Adventurous, Bold, and Creative."                        That's how I want to live.

winter scene

     Snowstorms are unlike any other storm. The snow comes heavily, yet softly. Whirling around in the sky as if someone had picked up a snow globe and shaken it hard. The sky is white, the ground is white, the trees are heavily laden with white. The world is all so soft and frozen, and oh so quiet. The stillness of winter amazes me, and I find it absolutely beautiful.
      People talk about summer and wanting it to come quickly. I just wish they'd slow down and take in the beauty of winter. Even in spite of the cold, the air is so clean and refreshing. Just a deep breath of the cold, and I feel as if everything dirty on the inside has been swept away. It makes my heart swell, and I stand on tiptoes just itching to catch that next breath of fresh air.
     I want it to take me away, that ice cold wind that whistles through the dead trees. I'm one of those people who hates to see the fresh snow trampled on, melting, and dirty. I wish the snow could stay clean and pure forever, but winter doesn't work that way. Each  individual snowflake glints and gleams in the fading sunlight. Capturing a burst of gold and dazzling white diamonds. Did you ever see anything so lovely? Yet so many people don't notice, and winter goes unappreciated.
     Winter can be harsh, and it can be fierce. But there's a beauty there in the harshness. There's a rare exquisiteness to the bitterly cold landscape. Don't let it pass you by. Don't let the breathtaking beauty of the winter scene pass go unobserved. I know it's cold, but take a minute to marvel at the beauty of the snow. The way the snowflakes drift gently to the ground, the way the cold air feels like cleansing for the soul, and the majestic pines shrouded in clouds of white, and the glimmer of the snowflakes as the catch the rays of golden light.