Undone

I'm so afraid of being hurt; of messing up; and not doing the right thing. All my doubts and fears keep me from opening up and letting people in. I think to myself “I can't let them see because who would love someone like me?” I'm good at pretending and at hiding behind this mask I wear. People think I'm doing just fine but on the inside I feel like I'm drowning and my unspoken words crash over me like a five-story tall wave. I'm always holding back, never quite truly letting them in and I'm afraid that if I let them in then they will see all the chaos and what I'm really like inside. I've always wanted to be the shoulder people could cry on; the one they could count on; and the one they knew that could trust to keep their secrets and I never wanted to be the one crying, the one needing someone to lean on, and the one telling their secrets. I tell myself that it's better if I keep it to myself and that everyone else is just better off not knowing. I need to be independent, strong, and fine on my own. But I can't function that way! That image of being independent is a lie and though we like the idea of being the “lone hero” in reality we need each other. If we lock ourselves up and refuse to let people in then we will live a truly lonely and miserable life. Though it's really hard for me to open up and share what's really on my heart and mind I'm always so relieved afterward and it's like a huge weight has been lifted on my shoulders. When I feel like I have to do everything by myself then it's like the weight of the world is on my shoulders and it's just waiting to crush me underneath. I can't bear that burden on my own. There's so much I want to say, and so much I want to be. But whenever people ask how I'm doing it's like a wall appears and suddenly I can't say what I'm dying to say. So I smile and fake it, but when they turn and walk away I can feel the words against my lips just begging to be let you. Every fiber in my being screams at me to open up and let the words flow, but I always ending pulling back and keeping the words inside of me. It's like I'm scared of my own voice sometimes. And though that's what I do I don't want to be like that anymore. I've realized that holding myself back tends to only make things worse, and makes me feel more alone. But I'm not alone! And I know I can't be the only one who struggles with this. It's time for me to let the words out and just come undone.