Walls

Some days its all we can do to drag ourselves out of bed. We aren't ready to face the world and we'd much rather hide away under the covers. Yet if all we do is continually run and hide then we will miss out on so much. Fear and shame only drives us farther from the ones we love and they keep our hearts locked away. I don't want to be like that, but though I tell myself this, I keep finding myself doing the exact opposite. I build up walls around myself and convince myself that no one is allowed in. I have it in my head that I'm safer that way, and that I won't ever be hurt again. As the walls rise up all around me, I realize that they're transparent, and than I worry that others will be able to see through. Inwardly I curl up into a ball, wrap my arms around my legs, and bury my face between my knees. The longer I sit there, the more alone I feel. I'm holding my breath and hold back the tears, as a lump grows in my throat. I tell myself that it doesn't matter; that I'm fine on my own. Though deep down inside I know that I'm lying. The more people pass by, the more I wonder why they can't see. I suddenly leap to my feet and pound against the walls, but even though I'm screaming I can't hear a sound. The walls I had built to protect myself were now the walls that held me captive. Then suddenly He is there right by my side. I look down and see the tears I cried in His hand. He lifts my tear-stained face to meet His gentle, loving gaze, and suddenly the walls slowly begin to dissolve all around me. Rays of golden sun seemingly melt the cold, blue-grey stones that had been my jailer only just a moment ago. And grace, overwhelming, never-ending, abundant grace sweeps over me like a tidal wave. Hope once again floods my soul as my Lord and Savior takes me by the hand and pulls me to my feet. Such grace, such love, such new found peace. Oh Jesus, precious Jesus, to think that You could love someone like me.