Moments like that

When people ask me how I'm doing, sometimes I honestly don't know what to say. There's just a deep ache inside of me that I can't figure out how to explain. How do you tell someone that your heart feels like it's bending inside of your chest? How do you tell someone that every time you breath, your chest tightens and you can't breathe. How do you tell someone that if you say one word then you're going to start sobbing?  These feelings are so hard to explain and are felt so deeply. Some things just can't be explained by words, and some things are best left unsaid. It's moments like these that we cry in our room, and try to hide away. It's moments like these when I wonder why the Lord would love someone like me. God is holy and just, and He hates sin. He has every right to cast us away, and yet He reached out in love. Forgiveness is there, but we have to choose to accept it. To accept the forgiveness of God, we first have to realize that we are sinners, deserving of punishment, and the only way we can be saved is through the grace of Jesus Christ. But if we refuse to accept Christ, then we have chosen to send ourselves to hell. The Lord is near to the brokenhearted, and He is waiting for us to come to Him. And when we turn to Him, and rely on the blood of Jesus Christ to save us from our sins, then He welcomes us with open arms. It's the nights I want to just lock myself in my room and cry, that I am SO incredibly thankful for my Lord and Savior and the grace and mercy He has shown me.

P.S. For those who might be running tonight

Late night adventures

Yesterday was quite the summer day, and one of the best days so far. Originally I was supposed to work, but patients canceled and I wasn't needed so I had the whole day to myself! I ran some errands and instantly bought up Owl City's new EP and it is absolutely incredible. It's like candy for my ears. Needless to say, I can't wait for the rest of the album! After that I left the city behind and went for some country driving. Two of my best friends and I went out on a photo shoot and found some great abandoned barns, woods, and wide open fields. I already love driving, but something about winding back roads make me wish I could just go for a long car ride to, well, nowhere in particular. The rest of the day included some re-watching of LOTR, a walk to the park, swing sets, merry-go-rounds, driving barefoot, eating ice cream, and more driving with the windows down, the music on, and not a care in the world! Then to top it all off, my sister, who's staying with us for a bit, took me to this amazing place in the country. So we put on our sweatpants, grabbed our old sneakers and left the house after midnight. Once we got there we hiked through the woods, and it was almost like being in a different world. The forest was quiet, the air was warm and the breeze was cool, and there was something so incredibly peaceful about walking in the dark. I love the night. The trail led us out to the river and we sat on the rocks under the bridge and just talked. The water rushed all around us, the stars were out, and it was so nice to just sit there and have a heart-to-heart talk with my sister. Between work and college, we don't get to see each other a lot. The best part? We did this all at two in the morning (: Even though getting up for work was hard this morning, I would do it again in a heartbeat.

Secret identities

Everybody has a secret identity, but not everybody is Batman.

I'm not sure if this was something incredibly witty that I came up with, or if I just saw it somewhere else and am just now remembering it. Either way, I like it a lot. I can count so many times where I have just wondered off inside my head, inside my own little world and pretended to be, well, super. I liked Christian Bale long before he became Batman, and it all started with an old musical called Newsies. Such a great movie, and still a classic favorite of mine. (I could even sing you all the songs word for word). But today I couldn't help but think of a quote from that movie, it goes something like this.
David: "All those words you said, those were mine."
Jack: "Yeah but you never had the guts to put em' across yourself, did ya?"
Those words were true back then, and they are still true today. Sometimes it's easier to say things when we know people don't know who we are, what we've done, where we've come from, or anything like that. Sometimes it's hard to own up to your own words, and admit that you wrote/thought/spoke them. I guess that's what makes a secret identity so great. I know in my head, I always imagine myself braver, and more courageous to speak up and say what I want to say. In my head I don't stutter or stumble over my words, but instead I speak them out clearly and strongly, and I actually get my point across. Instead of imagining though, I need to start practicing in real life. It won't be easy, but then again the things that are hard, are the ones worth fighting for.

I'm not alone

“Since you were precious in My sight, you have been honored, and I have loved you..” (Isaiah 43:4a)

     Sometimes I look in the mirror and wonder how God could ever love someone like me. In the mirror I see all my mistakes, my faults, and I remember all the times that I have messed up. It's hard to see past all the imperfections, but they do say that you are your own worst critic. “I'm not good enough.” I cry out in the middle of the night. “Lord, why would you love someone like me? Why would You save someone like me?” It's a hard question, but through the night I'm gently reminded of the Lord's promises. It's at night when we are plagued by doubts and assailed by fears. Nighttime is when we're alone in the darkness and we begin to wonder about things, and we whisper our deepest fears, afraid to say them aloud.

      Some nights, I can't stop the tears. And yet once I've cried my heart out, and my shaking has faded, I know that God is still there. I know that I'm not alone in this fight. I am precious to Him! And He has promised to take care of His children. I was never promised that being a Christian would be easy, but I was promised time and time again that I would never have to go through anything alone. And whenever my past mistakes and failures confront me, I can't help but remember the verse 1 John,1:9 “If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.”

      What an incredible thought! To think that once I have confessed my sins to the God of the universe He is merciful and forgiving towards someone as imperfect as me. What deep, vast, immeasurable love. And to think that also, “As far as the east is from the west, so far has He removed our transgression (sins) from us.” -Psalm 103:12- Not only have I been saved by grace, but I have a loving Savior who has promised to never leave me or forsake me. I'm not alone. And for that I am so incredibly thankful.

But now, thus says the Lord, who created you, O Jacob,
And He who formed you, O Israel
“Fear not, for I have redeemed you;
I have called you by your name;
You are Mine.

When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;
And through the rivers, they shall not overflow you.
When you walk through the fire, you shall not be burned,
Nor shall the flame scorch you.
For I am the Lord your God,
The Holy One of Israel, your Savior;

--Isaiah 43:1-3--

P.S. "I'd like to look in the mirror  without hiding my eyes. I'd like to see what You see..."
 

You can't please everyone

I might be obsessed with Adam Young's cover of Garden Party. It's been on repeat all day long, and it still hasn't gotten old. I seriously can't get enough of it. There's a line in the song that really caught my ear. It's the one that goes: "You see, you can't please everyone, so you've gotta please yourself."  I'm sure this line could be taken many different ways, but for me, it really made me think about the way I live. It's so easy to want to be liked by everyone, but it's such hard work because honestly, you are never going to please every single person in your life. In saying "you've got to please yourself," to me it means that what it really comes down to is how you live, your standards, your morals, and your values. Instead of focusing on what others want me to be, I need to remember that it's not their favor I should be seeking. Rather, it should be the favor of my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. It's His opinion that matters most to me, and I want to live in a way that brings glory and honor to Him. I want others to see the light of Christ in my life, and I want them to know that they can have hope, and a new life. They don't have to be afraid of death. In listening to this song, it's really made me look inside myself, and what my motivations are. This world pushes the idea that we have to be well-liked and popular, but those things won't last. I would rather be loved or hated for who I am, and what I stand for, rather than just being well-liked because I go along with everybody else.

Whenever I listen to this song, I like to have full volume, and my eyes closed. Such a beautiful song.

White spaces

A blank page opens up a world of possibilities, and a whole new realm for discoveries. The chance is there for the taking. There's so much to say, to write, to create, and to think, but so often we let those moments pass us by. While staring at the blank nothingness, whether it's a piece of paper or a computer screen, a little doubt creeps into our minds. Suddenly there is a fear of stepping out into the unknown, and the white space seems almost intimidating. There's a fear that we won't be good enough, or that what we want to create won't work out right. What if we fail? Those words, "what if'' bring a million different scenarios to our minds, but that fear is just a lie. Don't fear those white spaces! We shouldn't let our fear hold us back from doing what we love. I'm a perfect example of this because, well, my major is art and photography, but as much as I love what I do, sometimes I'm afraid to show people my work. I'm afraid of not being good enough, and not measuring up to their standards. Like they say, you are your own worst critic. That's because you know what's inside of you, and you know what you're capable of. So when someone says that something of yours is good, you silently disagree because you know you could have done better. But this is why we carry on! And I am so thankful to know that every time I fall, every time I fail, I have the strength to press on. Not because of my strength, but because my strength is in the Lord, and I know that He will always be by my side.