It's so easy to pretend that everything is okay, and to act like you've got life all figured out. Yet at the same time, it's the hardest thing in the world to do. It's because pretending only makes it worse, and tears you up on the inside. I know this because I've done it. I try to act like nothing is wrong, and try to seem, well, perfect. But deep down inside I know that I am so far from perfect, oh so far. There is no possible way for me to attain perfection, but as I try to I only feel myself fall farther and farther. I try to do things in my own strength, and hold it all together. I try so hard to keep everything to myself, telling myself that it anyone found out, it would be over. I couldn't bear the thought of people knowing that I'm not all smiles, but as I think about that, isn't it ridiculous? We all have our bad days, right? So why do I act like I never have a bad day? It's because I feel like if I tell someone, than I'm complaining, and I don't have a right to complain. I am so incredibly blessed with all that the Lord has given me.
I have a wonderful family, incredible friends, a great job, the ability to go to college, my own room, food, clothing, shelter, and the list goes on. Yet in spite all that I've been given, I find myself wandering away from the Lord, and trying to fill my life with material things, but those things could never satisfy. Tonight as I walked around my neighborhood, I couldn't stop myself from gazing up at the blue sky and trying to look past its endless blue. As I watched a jet trail along, and the birds fly by, I felt like if I just stood on my tip-toes that I would be carried away into the sky. “Please take me with you.” I begged the birds. It was then that I stepped on something. Looking down I saw a little brown acorn. It was shiny and smooth. I looked at the nut, and then at the brilliantly colored oak tree in front of me. For that little acorn to grow into that enormous oak, it had to die first. That's what I have to do. If I want to grow in the Lord then I have to die to myself, and my will, first. Only once I've died, can I then grow and live. Once my own selfish desires are put away can God work through me, and help me grow. I need to go home, to my Savior, and leave my broken empire behind. Because I can't do this in my own strength.
P.S. This song is my story right now. I feel like I've fallen too far, but all I need to do is go home, where the loving arms of Jesus Christ are waiting for me. This song also makes me cry.
I love driving at night, and by all means, it's probably my favorite. There's nothing quite like being alone in the dark, windows down, music playing, cool breeze blowing, and you just want to drive on and on, and never look back. I remember when I was little, all my siblings would fall asleep in the car if we were driving at night, but I always stayed up. I loved the watch the world whisk by under the cover of darkness; my nose pressed up against the glass. I used to think that everyone got off the roads and went to bed at midnight, but I quickly found out that that was not the case. I've always wanted to get up, oh, say around 2am, and just go for a drive. I wouldn't bother with shoes, as I went off in just sweats and a tee. I don't know where I would go, but I would just drive. Maybe the music wouldn't be playing, as I wind through the back roads where no other cars are to be seen. The stars glisten overhead, and the breeze swirls in through the windows as time seems to stand still for just one night.
