Mhmm

Totally pre-ordered Relient K's new album today. I am seriously excited for this!!! I heard this song today....



aaaaand I haven't stopped playing it since. Relient K has been one of my favorite bands since junior high. Such good stuff. Their Mhmm album is a much loved favorite, and I think this song will join that list (;

Inner Thoughts

There's something immensely scary about the unknown. We want to know who we are, where we belong, and what we should do. Currently my brain has been scrambled, and I'm constantly thinking about what I should be doing with my life. More than anything, I want to live a life that brings glory and honor to God. I want to be a light and a witness, and I want to turn the world upside down to be right side up. I've just really been asking the Lord what He would have me to do. I can't help but wonder if maybe I'm in the wrong major....I don't know, just these whirling thoughts that have been going on for days. Here's some of the scattered things I've written this week. They're a glimpse inside my constant flow of thought.

I don't know how many times I've said this, but I'm a different person when I write. The words make sense. They flow. They rise, they fall, they stare at me in black and white. I can go back and correct things, rearrange the fragment thoughts into complete sentences. It's not easy to do such things mid-conversation. I just want to talk the way I write. I want someone to know I have these words inside of me, and that I'm not silent because I have nothing to say, but I'm silent because I'm brimming with words. Words that want to be spoken, to have life breathed into them. They want to dance across the air in such a way that leaves breathtaking images to the listeners imagination. People don't talk like that anymore. I wish they did, oh, how I wish they did. Is it stupid though? These thoughts of mine? I feel like people are always attracted to the outspoken girls, who have no problem speaking their mind. I want to speak my mind sometimes, but I reign my tongue back in. I have nothing interesting to say. I tell myself. Nothing that they would care to hear. It's not important anyway.

I'm afraid of someone wanting to get to know me; wanting to see what lies inside. I'm afraid they'll be disappointed by what they will find. I'm afraid of opening myself up that far, and letting them see the darkness in my heart.

Maybe I'm doing it all wrong. Instead of writing I should be designing. But I design with my words, I, I don't know if I can design with art. Am I a failure? I'm not who I wish to be. I feel like a shell, and the real me is still hiding somewhere inside, afraid to step out into the light. It's been almost twenty years. Is is too late to change? My heart hasn't stopped racing since who knows when, my thoughts are all a tangled mess. I ache somewhere deep inside, a place where I can't reach. Lord, what would You have me do?  

to be content

So while talking to one of my friends tonight, I mentioned that rich people lead a different life. He quickly responded with "Yeah and it's one I wouldn't want to live." The more I thought about it, the more I totally agreed with it. Having money isn't bad, but there are so many things you gain when you don't have money. Coming from a big family, if I ever wanted something, I had to earn the money for it. I pay for my education, I paid for my car, I buy my clothes, and whatever else I want. It's not always easy, but I appreciate these things so much because I worked hard for them. They have more value to me because of that. Take my car for instance: it's a little red Pontiac, nothing fancy, but I wouldn't trade it for a Lamborghini. Honestly. I love my little red car. There is so much to be gained from hard work! And I think this generation has forgotten that. Compared to some, my life seems like a rich life. We all have our struggles, someone will always have more than we have, but I'm genuinely happy. I want to be like Paul when he said,
"for I have learned in whatever state I am to be content." -Philippians 4:11-
Can you imagine? Paul doesn't just say "whenever there are good times I am content." No. It's in WHATEVER STATE. Rich, poor, full, hungry, happy, lonely. Paul is able to be content with life. Why? Because he knows there is more to life than things, and that is the Savior, Jesus Christ. He is all I need, even though I often forget that concept. With Christ, there is want for nothing. Does this mean I get everything I want? Of course not. Because not everything is helpful to me, and I learn and grow from the hard times. God planted me here, in my life, because He wanted me here, and for that I am content. I have been greatly blessed with what I have, and I'm grateful that the Lord has placed me right here.

Sweet Summer

What do you do when the sleep doesn't come? When you're lying wide awake in the dark with nothing but an urge to run. Run fast and run far, run from wherever you are. Adventure is waiting, and it feels like you're missing, lying there alone in the dark. This summertime feeling is un-explainable. The insatiable desire to move, to breathe, to feel the wind in your face. I just want to drive my little red car all over town with the windows down and the radio turned all the way up. I want to laugh out loud for no reason at all, and I want to drink the night air in. I don't want to sleep. I don't want to miss a second. I want to be out there, somewhere, with someone. I want to leave behind these city lights, and glimpse the silver stars amid their dark velvet blanket. I want to spin and twirl under the stars until I fall down with dizziness. Star tripping is what we call it. Fireflies are beginning to come out, berries are ripening, honeysuckle is blossoming, and summer, sweet summer is calling.

Writing, Reading, and Listening

Fact: I stay up late listening to Jack's Mannequin, looking up good books to read, working on finishing the twelve different stories I've started, and, well, blogging.

It's an exciting life I lead, isn't it? Honestly I enjoy it. I think I enjoy staying up late way too much, which might be border-lining into insomnia. Maybe. I'll keep you posted. For real though, guys, I want like ALL the Jack's Mannequin piano books. The fact that piano is a key part of his music makes him all the more of a favorite. Heads up though, not all his songs are clean, so be careful. That being said, here's a good one!




Also, as far as good books go. Any recommendations? Right now I'm looking to read Howl's Moving Castle, The Little Prince, and The Damascus Countdown. I forgot how much I loved reading. Another summer perk (;

Oddly enough, the Memo app on my phone is by far my favorite. I write down everything. From favorite verses from the Bible, lyrics that catch my ear, songs to look up, books to read, quotes to inspire, lists of all kinds, and some of my random writings. Here's one for tonight:

The me in my head is basically a hippie/art chick. With a dash of emo maybe? Not the dark part, but the troubled writer/skinny jean wearer part. The me in my head is eloquent and witty, with an uncommon knowledge of random facts. She's sure of herself, with a slight tinge of fear that keeps her from being totally stupid. She chugs coffee like nobody's business, and is actually a bit of a coffee snob. She has a secret. A secret that drives her and gives her that air of mystery. She stays up way too late painting and making a mess, trying to hash out her tangled feelings. The me in me is quiet, but fierce. Fiercely loving and protecting the ones I love. 

I write more honestly when I pretend I'm writing about someone else (referring to "she" instead of "I"). This all concludes my random Sunday night/Monday morning post. Goodnight, all you lovely people!

Upside Down

"These who have turned the world upside down.." --Acts 17:6

There are Christians who are saved, and yet they aren't really living in the grace God has given them. I'm guilty of this myself, and it frustrates me so much. I know who I am in Christ. I'm forgiven, redeemed, set free, and brought into the family. I know this, and yet I find myself just living, and not fully alive in Christ. Reading through the New Testament, I crave that boldness Peter and the others had. I want to live that kind of life for my Savior. There is an incredible amount of work that needs to be done. We should be praying for workers, because there is absolutely NOTHING that can hold a candle to serving the living God. I have to ask myself, "Is my heart right before God, to the extent that God could call me right now to do His work?" 

     Persecution is coming. Scratch that, it's already here. Jesus never said that being a Christian would be easy, after all, is a servant better than his master? Being a Christian isn't a religion, it is a relationship with a God who loved you SO much that He spared not His son to die for you (Romans 8:32). One of my dear friends recently told me, "Following Christ is like a drug addiction, but without the consequences. When I don't have Christ in my life, and I have run away from Him, there is no joy in my life. But with Christ there is incredible joy." Joy is different from happiness in that happiness is momentary, but joy lasts a lifetime and through the pain. It doesn't always mean you smile through pain, but it means deep down inside you know there's more then this, and that the pain won't last forever. There is hope in the morning!

     The verse from Acts 17 blew me away over the weekend. It was like I had never noticed it before, that short little phrase: "These who have turned the world upside down." I want that so much to be said of my generation. I want us to live truly and passionately for Christ! I want to go further with Christ than my parents ever did. I want to see God do great things that we have never seen. I want to be a people of prayer! And I long for revival in this country. America was founded on the Word of God, and we were greatly blessed for that. Being faithful to God was the very reason we succeeded as a nation, but now we have turned from Christ, and the nation is hurting because of it. People are in pain, wars are tearing us apart, peace is sought and peace is not found. Why? Not only because we have CHOSEN to turn from God, but because our time on earth is short, and I truly believe that we will not be here much longer. Can you count how many movies that have come out in the past 2-3 years that dealt with aliens and the end of the world? The world knows that the end is near, and they are afraid.
    Because time is short I want to plead with the other believers to take that stand for Christ. To live fully for Him. Be the generation who will turn the world upside down! Pray earnestly for revival and repentance. Because living for Christ is something you will NEVER regret. 

Comeback

Jack's Mannequin is back!! As a solo artist of course (; nonetheless I am super excited. His song Dark Blue will forever be a favorite.