untitled

      It's funny how you notice things late at night. It's like your thoughts, which have been running all day, finally catch up to you. At night, there's nothing to “keep your mind off things” so you end up thinking about things. People are so much more than they seem. There is so much underneath their surface, and I know I say that a lot, but I feel like I keep finding that out again and again. I'm so guilty of looking at someone and instantly putting them in a category. For instance, I saw a guy who was maybe 20 or 21, driving a shiny new Nissan. In that second I saw him I thought “rich, pretty boy.” Terrible, aren't I? I felt guilty for thinking that. Maybe there's trouble at home, maybe his parents fight a lot and driving is his way of escape. Maybe he has an older brother that went off and hasn't been heard from since. I don't know why I think of people as just another face sometimes. Because I know that when they look at me, I don't want them to stick me in a category right away, for I know the turmoil I carry within. I want them to see past this stupid facade I put up. This mask I wear isn't me, and I just wish they knew that.

Usually my blog posts start out as an untitled document on my laptop. I got to thinking, my life is a little like that. Currently, it's untitled. There's so much I want to see, so much I want to say, so much I want to do. Where do I even begin? I begin one step at a time. One step in that forward direction. Just wanted to encourage you guys to keep pressing on, keep moving forward, and don't give up. Sorrow is but for a night, but joy comes in the morning (Psalm 30:5) Goodnight!  

Inner Thoughts

There's something immensely scary about the unknown. We want to know who we are, where we belong, and what we should do. Currently my brain has been scrambled, and I'm constantly thinking about what I should be doing with my life. More than anything, I want to live a life that brings glory and honor to God. I want to be a light and a witness, and I want to turn the world upside down to be right side up. I've just really been asking the Lord what He would have me to do. I can't help but wonder if maybe I'm in the wrong major....I don't know, just these whirling thoughts that have been going on for days. Here's some of the scattered things I've written this week. They're a glimpse inside my constant flow of thought.

I don't know how many times I've said this, but I'm a different person when I write. The words make sense. They flow. They rise, they fall, they stare at me in black and white. I can go back and correct things, rearrange the fragment thoughts into complete sentences. It's not easy to do such things mid-conversation. I just want to talk the way I write. I want someone to know I have these words inside of me, and that I'm not silent because I have nothing to say, but I'm silent because I'm brimming with words. Words that want to be spoken, to have life breathed into them. They want to dance across the air in such a way that leaves breathtaking images to the listeners imagination. People don't talk like that anymore. I wish they did, oh, how I wish they did. Is it stupid though? These thoughts of mine? I feel like people are always attracted to the outspoken girls, who have no problem speaking their mind. I want to speak my mind sometimes, but I reign my tongue back in. I have nothing interesting to say. I tell myself. Nothing that they would care to hear. It's not important anyway.

I'm afraid of someone wanting to get to know me; wanting to see what lies inside. I'm afraid they'll be disappointed by what they will find. I'm afraid of opening myself up that far, and letting them see the darkness in my heart.

Maybe I'm doing it all wrong. Instead of writing I should be designing. But I design with my words, I, I don't know if I can design with art. Am I a failure? I'm not who I wish to be. I feel like a shell, and the real me is still hiding somewhere inside, afraid to step out into the light. It's been almost twenty years. Is is too late to change? My heart hasn't stopped racing since who knows when, my thoughts are all a tangled mess. I ache somewhere deep inside, a place where I can't reach. Lord, what would You have me do?  

Thinking about thinking

Restless, restless, restless.

I want to move, I want to go,

I want to throw my worries out the window.

Thousands of thoughts inside my head,

all of them with no place to go.

The only outlet my thoughts have

is the flow of pencil on paper.

Black and white, white and black

things make sense again.

Thoughts don't sleep, dreams don't keep,

these words they never cease.

I think more than I speak

I write more than I say

Quiet on the inside, turmoil lies within

trying to unravel the mess in me.

(by: me)

      When I write, it's always honest and true because I don't stop to think about how the words flow, I just write them as they come. Sometimes there's an effort to make things rhyme, but other times I really don't care. When I write like that, things come spilling out that amaze me because feelings I hadn't voiced suddenly come to life on paper. Do you ever forget that people think? To be honest, I do it all the time. I get so immersed in my own thoughts that I don't think about how the person sitting next to me could be swimming through their own sea of thoughts. It's odd how that works. 

P.S. I discovered these two tonight, and I think this song is just so sweet! Enjoy!

     

Ideal

Today, one of the guys I work with wanted to know what I considered my "ideal guy." Totally threw me for a loop, and at first I wasn't even sure what to say. I know some girls make lists of what they want in a guy, but for me it was always just something that was vaguely in the back of my mind. Every now and then I'd be like, "Oh yeah, I like a guy that's like that." Anyways, this is all kind of round about, but, I was going somewhere with this. I thought about it some more before I answered him, and I actually came up with a couple things. The more I think about it though, the more thoughts I have on the matter. I don't want someone whose perfect. I'm not perfect, and I know that nobody is really perfect. I want a guy whose real, not someone who has to fake being someone else. A guy who likes me for me, in spite of all my flaws and weaknesses, and in turn I hope that I can like a guy like that. There's a quote that kind of sums my tangled thoughts up.

The most important thing for me though, in a guy, is not just that he's a Christian, but that he is passionate about the things of God. I don't want a guy whose satisfied with just being a Christian. I want a guy who continually seeks to grow in the Lord, as well as challenges me in my own walk with the Lord. I realize that not too many girls think like that. Call me old-fashioned, but that's okay with me. It's not a bad thing to be a little old-fashioned. So those are my thoughts on the "ideal guy." But really, I know God will bring along the guy whose just right for me, and God's timing is perfect. 

Shadows and Light

Rainy days were meant for naps, watching old movies, sipping on coffee, or curling up with a good book. Or they can be spent playing piano, writing, sketching, or playing video games all afternoon. Kingdom Hearts and Legend of Zelda are two of my favorites that I still play today. Is that weird? I just love the music, and the plots so much. Especially the music! Not gonna lie, even some of the quotes give me chills. The intro for Kingdom Hearts? Powerful thoughts. One of my favorite quotes though would be, "The closer you get to the light, the greater your shadow becomes." Yup, I just got chills. The words are just so powerful, and I've been thinking about what it means. It says in the Bible that men love darkness rather than light, because the light reveals what they are really like. You can't hide in the light. The closer you get to the light, the more of the shadows you see, but also, the more shadow you leave behind. The shadow could be the past you're leaving behind, or maybe it's the legacy you're leaving behind. In the light, that shadow is behind you, regardless of how big it is. In the light, my true nature is revealed, and my soul is laid bare before the Maker of Heaven and Earth. I myself can see the ugliness, the selfishness, and the secrets I've hidden inside. I'm so ashamed I want to cry. Again I wonder, how could God love someone like me? Jesus is the light of the world, the light that shines in the darkness, I cannot hide anything from Him.

It's scary, but at the same time it's so refreshing. To know I don't have to hide, to know I don't have to pretend. I'm without excuse when I stand before Him. Yet He LOVES me. Because I have believed in the Lord Jesus Christ, God sees me differently. When He looks at me, He sees someone who has been cleansed and made new. Because of the work of the cross, God no longer sees my sin-stained heart, but He sees what His Son has done. Even if you were the only person on this earth, God still would have sent His Son, Jesus Christ, to die for YOU. You are precious in His sight. He loved me even when I was still a sinner. He loved me when I was His enemy. He loves me when I fall, when I fail, when I run, when I hide. What I do could never make Him love me less. Because of His love, I long to serve Him, and to let others know about the love that changed my life. He is the one who compels me to live. He is my strength when I am weak. His love is like no other! I can honestly say the best decision of my life was believing on the Lord Jesus Christ. Without Him I would have no hope. Without Him I would be nothing.

P.S.

Words, words, words

Story of my life right up there. I also have this habit of scribbling random notes all over the edges of my paper in my notebooks. It helps me to put my thoughts into words, even if no one sees them. Tonight though, I thought I would post a couple of my little scribblings. 

"I have these words trapped inside of me. If I knew how, I would set them free. If only my mouth weren't the jailer, and I had the key."

"I'm not perfect, not I'm not. But I am able to stand before a righteous God, because of the blood that Jesus shed for me. What kind of love is that? Such love. Such mercy. Such grace."

"I fall in love with fictional characters--those who don't exist. Because I know if they did exist, they would understand. How can a heart break for someone that isn't even real? We sympathize. We empathize. The character becomes part of us. We see our flaws, fears, hopes, and dreams brought to life."

"If I could I would give them my notebooks. Maybe then they would see inside of me. Thousands of words, thoughts not spoken. Words I don't know how to say out loud. Words I keep inside."

Those scribblings would be like baring my soul to someone I knew. It's funny how it's easier to share things with strangers then friends. Anyway, a lot to think about, a lot on my mind. Oh! I also discovered this song that I absolutely love. When I heard it, it was like "someone else gets it!" I hope you enjoy (: