According to God

Beautiful Eulogy is one of my top favorite bands, hands down. These lyrics have been on my mind a lot lately. So much good truth to absorb. I wrote them all down by hand in a little notebook I have because that helps me actually remember better.

I'm a believer
Sometimes I believe the lies of the deceiver
The lies of seeds when they sprout
They lead to seasons of spiritual amnesia
Deep seeded self doubt
That creeps in my conscious feeds my fear
And keeps me up at night conquered by
Critical thoughts my mind is prone to conjure
When it wanders, watching my failures, play back play back on repeat
I'm trying to change the chain of events but
Can't rewind to find the delete, button to push
I'm on the edge its like the world is about to end
I'm in the middle of Armagaddon with
No arms, no weapons, no armor for protection
It's the testing of my faith and
I know the answers but instead I'm just guessing
Like I forgot that God was my father and
I was set apart for his on possession
His word is my armor and my protection
Against the enemy's deception
But I still question
How can i receive
Such an incredible blessing when I feel like I'm less than
Because I went through a divorce am I
A second rate Christian I know that's a lie
So I won't listen through Christ I'm forgiven
Im being formed into his image
According to God I was called from darkness into his marvelous light
He is near to the broken-hearted faithful to finish what he started


Who do you think you are?
Who do you think you are?
Who do you think you are?
Who do you think you are?

[Verse 2: Odd Thomas]

As a child I struggled to
Identify most of my misplaced anger and rage
Dealing with a whole emotion of consequences
Based on the way I was raised
The feeling for affection and affirmation
Adjusted performance to get attention and
Gain some sort of acceptance but found
I was always rejected and pushed away
Deep scars feeling of not belonging
Caused hall emotional walls and any
Attempt to recover from a lost of
Confidence was incredibly small
The residual effects of abandonment
Had me observing my character flaws
And viewing them all as insufficiently
Capable of relating or growing with God
I believed these lies to be true for me
My experience was the proof for me
Up to the point where I can sense Christ
Relentless love and complete pursuit of me
And spoke to me offering me hope and life
Through his word showing me his beauty
Changing my perception and giving me
Perspective of the way God truly viewed me
A man who was prized and pardoned
And chosen before the world's foundation
His whole possession, his royal priesthood
I'm part of his holy nation
I'm his friend, I'm valued completely cared for
Enough for Christ to purchase
According to God I'm an adopted child
With intimate access created with purpose

Words, words, words

Story of my life right up there. I also have this habit of scribbling random notes all over the edges of my paper in my notebooks. It helps me to put my thoughts into words, even if no one sees them. Tonight though, I thought I would post a couple of my little scribblings. 

"I have these words trapped inside of me. If I knew how, I would set them free. If only my mouth weren't the jailer, and I had the key."

"I'm not perfect, not I'm not. But I am able to stand before a righteous God, because of the blood that Jesus shed for me. What kind of love is that? Such love. Such mercy. Such grace."

"I fall in love with fictional characters--those who don't exist. Because I know if they did exist, they would understand. How can a heart break for someone that isn't even real? We sympathize. We empathize. The character becomes part of us. We see our flaws, fears, hopes, and dreams brought to life."

"If I could I would give them my notebooks. Maybe then they would see inside of me. Thousands of words, thoughts not spoken. Words I don't know how to say out loud. Words I keep inside."

Those scribblings would be like baring my soul to someone I knew. It's funny how it's easier to share things with strangers then friends. Anyway, a lot to think about, a lot on my mind. Oh! I also discovered this song that I absolutely love. When I heard it, it was like "someone else gets it!" I hope you enjoy (: