who are you now?

when the music fades, and the light goes down
when the mask is put aside;
who are you now?

when you close your door
is it the closing cut?
when the scene fades to black
who are you left with?

when the day is done
and there's no one to impress
do you ever sit by yourself
all alone in quiet unrest?

do the tears ever spill
or do you hold on to them still?
when your guard is let go at last
who are you left with?

when your heart is laid bare
does it make you feel scared?
when the credits roll
who are you now?

Revive me

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. Thinking about a lot of stuff that I had pushed to the back of my mind. Mainly I've been thinking about the way I've been living. I've gotten so caught up in wanting others to think that I'm "cool" and I'm afraid I haven't been a good witness for my Savior. I know we're only in March, but I thank the Lord that we're only in March, because honestly, I haven't been living for Him this year, but I've been living for myself. I've been aimlessly looking for "the next big thing" and not seriously considering my motives. Truthfully, I didn't want to address my motives, because I knew I would find them to be disgusting and horribly selfish.

I once told a good friend of mine that I was a very selfish person. I wanted someone else to know what I was like on the inside; what kind of monster was struggling within me. Well, this year he had gotten the best of me. I was so focused on myself that I'm afraid I hurt some of the friends close to me. I've been so self-centered that I've actually neglected relationships. Relationships with my family, my friends, and most importantly, my Savior. I can't help but ask: where have I gone? How did I come so far? It was one small step, one small lie led to another until I've come to find myself cold and in the dark. 

I've become calloused and apathetic, and I cry out to my Savior asking Him if I've come too far. Have I really blown it this time? Have I passed the point of no return? I'm begging please that He would revive me in His way. Over and over again, that's all I can think of. Revive me. Bring me back to life, Lord. Please bring me back to You. I don't want to live like this any more. I don't want to be cold and selfish. I want to live in His light and life. 

"Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me...." "...restore to me, the joy of Your salvation." --Psalm 51:10,12

That is my prayer tonight. Revive me, renew me, restore me. I'm thankful that God is a God of second chances. I'm thankful that even when I've given up on myself, He hasn't given up on me. Are there consequences for my sin? Absolutely. But I know that "whom the Lord loves, He chastens." (Hebrews 12:6). I want to know God more. I want to know more about Him, like one would want to know more about a friend. I want to learn from this, and draw closer to God through this. I don't want to continue on in apathy.