Healing Begins

I'm madly typing away at a paper over here and I think it's time for a break. As much as I love writing I have a hard time writing something that has to be written. I don't know why but it's much harder to write something when you have to do it as opposed to having the freedom to write whatever and whenever you like. Anyways, this paper I'm writing is about a song and it really god me thinking. The song is entitled Healing Begins and is sung by one of my favorite bands: Tenth Avenue North. This song really has a message for everyone in its honest, heartfelt lyrics. The song starts out with a very powerful sentence: "So you thought you had to keep this up. All the work that you do so that we think that you're good." This really strikes a chord with me because I know that so often I work hard and try to do good only to feel better about myself. Too often we work at being good because we're trying to hide the shame we harbor on the inside. The very next line in the song talks about how the walls we build up are just glass on the outside. So though do all this so “that we think that you're good,” the walls we're building are just glass, and they're fragile and could shatter at any second. Yet we still think we have to keep it up so that others will think that we're good. This won't do us any good! I have the hardest time opening up and letting people in because I don't want them to have to worry about my problems, but also because I don't want them to see what I'm really like on the inside. I'm the type that prefers to bottle my feelings up as opposed to letting them show. Even though I bottle it up, I know I really shouldn't and that it will only hurt me in the end. Because it's only when I come to where I'm broken within, that point where I finally expose my dark secrets to the light, that's where healing truly begins.

Smoothies

Nothing like being home alone to make someone feel alive. I always wander around just itching to do something. When I'm home alone I love to turn my music way up, sing really loud, and dance around the house like crazy. I'm seriously having way too much fun over here. I came home from class tonight and I was starving. Of course it was one of those days where I open the fridge, then the freezer, then the pantry, and then back to the fridge again. It's like if I wait long enough something new will randomly pop up, but then nothing ever does. So while ransacking my kitchen I came across a bag of frozen fruit and suddenly I had a light bulb moment. As I searched the cabinets frantically, low and behold I found what I was looking for: a blender. That's right. I made myself a mango-strawberry-orange smoothie and it was delicious if I do say so myself (: Not to mention it was super easy to make!

Smoothie a la fruit
1 1/2 cup orange juice
2 cups frozen fruit (it really doesn't matter what kind, mine was mixed)
As much sugar as you feel is necessary
Mix it all together and enjoy!

By the way, new favorite song: Alligator Sky by Owl City. I love Adam Young!

Midnight Flight

Ahhhhh I'm really too much of a night owl. Why do I stay up so late?? Oh yeah that's right, it's cause I think too much. I love to stay up though because I feel so awake. I'm loving this beautiful weather we have! It's starting to really feel like spring, and I know that because it's warm enough to sleep with my window open all night long. I love it because whenever I'm feeling really stressed out or tired I just open up that window and let the breeze wash over me, and suddenly I'm okay. It's like the wind seeps inside of me and rushes out with all my stress, and then releases it high into the night sky. Hmmm, that might have sounded a little weird, but it's true. I close my eyes and breathe in the wind deeply and it's almost like I could drink the air. In my mind's eye I can see my wings snap out behind me as I leap into the air and take flight. I go soaring above the tree tops, and head higher and higher into the sky. I spin and fall into the ever bright stars throughout the night as I continue upward and onward. I stretch out my hand as I grasp at the wisps of clouds that float mysteriously by in a silvery haze. The wind in my hair and the faint twinkling lights of the cities below I feel my worries and troubles slip right by as if they had gotten got in a downward draft. Yes, I see all this as I close my eyes and feel the breeze on my face. And suddenly I'm invincible.

Undone

I'm so afraid of being hurt; of messing up; and not doing the right thing. All my doubts and fears keep me from opening up and letting people in. I think to myself “I can't let them see because who would love someone like me?” I'm good at pretending and at hiding behind this mask I wear. People think I'm doing just fine but on the inside I feel like I'm drowning and my unspoken words crash over me like a five-story tall wave. I'm always holding back, never quite truly letting them in and I'm afraid that if I let them in then they will see all the chaos and what I'm really like inside. I've always wanted to be the shoulder people could cry on; the one they could count on; and the one they knew that could trust to keep their secrets and I never wanted to be the one crying, the one needing someone to lean on, and the one telling their secrets. I tell myself that it's better if I keep it to myself and that everyone else is just better off not knowing. I need to be independent, strong, and fine on my own. But I can't function that way! That image of being independent is a lie and though we like the idea of being the “lone hero” in reality we need each other. If we lock ourselves up and refuse to let people in then we will live a truly lonely and miserable life. Though it's really hard for me to open up and share what's really on my heart and mind I'm always so relieved afterward and it's like a huge weight has been lifted on my shoulders. When I feel like I have to do everything by myself then it's like the weight of the world is on my shoulders and it's just waiting to crush me underneath. I can't bear that burden on my own. There's so much I want to say, and so much I want to be. But whenever people ask how I'm doing it's like a wall appears and suddenly I can't say what I'm dying to say. So I smile and fake it, but when they turn and walk away I can feel the words against my lips just begging to be let you. Every fiber in my being screams at me to open up and let the words flow, but I always ending pulling back and keeping the words inside of me. It's like I'm scared of my own voice sometimes. And though that's what I do I don't want to be like that anymore. I've realized that holding myself back tends to only make things worse, and makes me feel more alone. But I'm not alone! And I know I can't be the only one who struggles with this. It's time for me to let the words out and just come undone.

Behind Closed Doors

She laughs and flashes a bright smile as she replies "I'm good! How are you?" Seemingly easy going and care free, she walks on smiling at everyone she meets. No one would ever guess what's going on underneath. Coming home she greets her family cheerfully and as the evening wears on so her smile stays.
The clock rings out and she says goodnight and walks into her room and shuts the door behind her. As the door closes her smile slips and a heavy sigh escapes her lips. The mask that she wore all throughout the day is taken off and put away. Walking past the mirror she turns to stop and stare as she gazes at her own reflection. The girl in the mirror returns the stare yet she seems so unfamiliar.
A tear slides down her cheek and she sinks to the floor, unable to stand any longer. She wraps her arms around her knees and pulls them to her chest as if to hide her face from the world. She cries out silently and finally begins to weep. All that she held inside of her and everything she had bottled up broke and came pouring out.
Everything inside of her ached and she just wanted to pull the covers over her head and never come out again. She cried out to Jesus knowing that He hears her. Peace and hope flood her broken soul as she crawls into bed, the tear stains still on her cheeks. Her loneliness has left her as she clings to God's promise "I will NEVER leave you nor forsake you."
Morning comes and she rises with the sun. Rays of light pour through her window and she takes in the breathtaking beauty of the sunrise. It's a new day and a new chance. Climbing out of bed she gets ready to face the day. She puts herself together and before walking out her door she glances in the mirror again. The unfamiliarity still lingers in her reflection's stare.
Sighing she reaches out and pulls her mask from the drawer and puts it on once more. She smiles in the mirror as if to reassure herself and with shoulders squared and head held high she plunges back into reality once more. And she wonders if there will ever come a day when the mask will remain in its place in the drawer. But she knows that there is hope with Him at her side. Someone who has promised to be there even in the dead of night. And with Him she is ready to take on another day.

Late Night Cleaning

Nothing like a little late night cleaning of the room. I was actually feeling rather productive until I looked and saw that although I had tidied things up a bit there was still much lying around the room and on my bed. *Sigh* Well, I guess I had better find a home for all this stuff. I'm tempted to just grab a trash bag and throw everything away all at once. I do try to sort through things but I always get so distracted and soon I'm left with a pile of stuff and no work done. Hmmmmm. I think me being easily distracted might add to my problem. I think I might be ADD or at least ADHD or at least...oooh! So though my room isn't as clean as I would have hoped I've found some great new music! I'm in love with the song You Had Me At Hello by A Day To Remember, Soundtrack to Your Life by Angel Ashley Parker, and Enchanted by Owl City (: So those are just a few of my many new favorite songs! I love music. You really should see my try to type up this post. First I clean a little; check facebook; pick something else up; go through YouTube to find a new song; text; put something else away; switch over to Pandora; organize something; back to facebook. Yup, that just about sums it up. Now that I've managed to say all this I should probably go back to being productive. Err, well ummm maybe just back to being semi-productive. Either way it will definitely be an improvement.